FARCE Magazine is a humor/satire magazine and is to be taken lightly, or with a laxative.

Edition 48
January 28, 2019

Comics:

HUMOR

From the web (source unknown)

From my Brain:

A young Arnold Schwarzenegger, growing up in Austria and having a fondness for classical composers, would invite friends over to play and they would pretend to be composers.

"Franz, " Arnold would say, "you be Beethoven. Lars can be Handel. I'll be Bach!"






QUESTION OF THE WEEK:

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the newly elected Representative from New York's 14th Congressional District, recently claimed that "the world will end in 12 years". Do you agree?


"Well,  I think, the facts on this are evident and mutually reassuring to those who possess a keen hindsight for technical climate findings in that the assurity of it all is so appealingly transparent that it can only be perceived through the lens of 'why are we here?' and the, of course, the natural follow-up would be to , umm, ask, you know, whether weather, in it's current or future state, may, umm, well, really be in a state of livability for those people most affected by climate twelve years from now."
 -Current Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi


"That is so true! AOC is wonderful, isn't she? I'm getting my brows knitted to look just like hers and I'm getting the same glasses that she uses to make herself look smarter than she really is and I'm stocking up on that Stila "Stay All Day" Liquid in Beso lipstick she wears all the time that makes her look like she cares so much just for me and my free college."
- Maryanne Givmemore, 18 year old public high school student.

"My goodness, really? Well I just hope that George R.R. Martin finishes Game of Thrones before that!"
- Literally Every Single Game of Thrones Fan Ever

"Well, at least no one will have to hear Alexandria O'Crazio-Cortez say anything stupid after that."
-Actor and Twitter Conservative James Woods



Acknowledgements:

E, in fact, DOES equal MC squared.




Unreported AP (Asocial Press) Headlines:

NFL Owners, in response to public activist outcry for more minority representation within it's coaching ranks, seeks to hire more non-minority players to balance player representation.

Bernie Sanders set to launch second presidential run after receiving assurances that Hillary Clinton will not, in any way, be involved with the DNC, do any campaigning anywhere at any time for any presidential candidate, will not write any op-ed piece wherein she suggests that she lost because Bernie supporters left her in the wind after she innocently stole the nomination from him in the rigged-for-her primaries, will hold no press conferences, and, in fact, he would simply prefer her to stop breathing for the next 20 months.

NY State Governor Cuomo celebrates passage of the Reproductive Health Act by tossing babies from the One World Trade Center building in  NY City.

George R. R. Martin says there is no way that he can finish Game of Thrones before the world ends!


Disclaimer


No actual babies were thrown from the One World Trade Center building. That we know of.

There are only 2 factually accurate statements in this edition (other than the disclaimers) and one of them is completely stupid. True, nonetheless.

Contact the editor at farcemgazine@gmail.com

FARCE Magazine is a humor/satire magazine and is to be taken lightly with a glass of wine.


Edition 47

COMICS

HUMOR



FARCE News

((AP)) Asocial Press

By Agamemnon Platypus

Hilary Clinton gave a speech today at a salon in Lower Darby, PA in which she decried the constant dumbing down of America's understanding of why she lost the 2016 Presidential election.

"I'm so disgusted with my treatment by the right-leaning Main Stream Media, like CNN and MSNBC," she said in her signature emotion-eliciting monotone. "After a brief period of showing highlights of my speeches, where I explain how those voters that I insulted on a regular basis inexplicably turned against me without provocation, the Main Stream Media has stopped showing clips of me at all unless I am falling or coughing or saying that Jim Comey stole the election from me while Trump colluded with the Russians, but not the Russians that I had colluded with during my time as Secretary of State and helped facilitate the sale of a large portion of American uranium to our greatest nuclear enemy; and women, perhaps some of you in this salon, were bullied by your misogynistic better-halves into voting for for a heinous, lying, corrupt, scandal laden candidate who would do anything to make a buck."

The former First Lady's remarks were met with resounding applause from all those that adore her as she accepted her speaking fee of $42.15 in cash from the tip jar.

ADVERISEMENT

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

LeBron James is a pretty good basketball player.

UNREPORTED HEADLINES

Cure for Cancer Discovered: Immediately Discarded Because It Was Discovered By Man With White Privilege.

Guns Introduce Legislation to Ban People: Expected to pass.

Bill Cosby in court again. Scores 45 points against undermanned Suns.

Nancy Pelosi Says Something Stupid for the Nine Thousandth Time: Constituents Fawn.

New Teen Challenge: Shout Angrily at Lamps.

Hillary Clinton Dies During Speech at 'Hair Care and Nails Salon' in Lower Darby, PA: Still Collects Speaking Fee.

DISCLAIMER

This issue's contents contain only two true statements.

SECOND DISCLAIMER

The only two true statements in this issue are purely accidental.

Moxie POLITICK  by Shawn Raymond

 

http://www.freelanced.com/shawnraymond to view my portfolio and possibly hire me. That would be nice.

FARCE - A Family Humor Magazine Edition 45 June 4, 2014

Comics

The Odds by Bill Harvey www.BeholdComics.com

 The Sheltered Life  By Joel Wilhelm www.facebook.com/TheShelteredLife

The Professor by Pat Patenaude  ca.linkedin.com/pub/the-professor/7/a03/4b8

The Birdfeeder by Ben Carlson  www.thebirdfeeder.com

Rogue Symmetry by  by Derrick Wood   www.gocomics.com/rogue_symmetry

Moxie by Shawn Raymond

Humor 

FARCE News ((AP)) Asocial Press

Most Americans Can’t Swim

Del Mar, CA - A recent study done by both the University of Canton (PA) and the University of Del Mar (CA) has provided the clearest insight as to the changing habits of America’s youth. Due heavily to the proliferation of electronic devices in our youth culture, such as smart phones and tablets, today’s children are far less likely to venture outside and participate in the traditional activities that have marked the passage of time for those of us in the forty-something-plus set. Since children can find entertainment so easily while lounging on the sofa, or lounging on their bed, or lounging at the local McDonald’s using their free wi-fi service, they do not feel compelled to venture outside. 

The study has found that these new habits are to blame for a large reduction in crank calls, the near extinction of the Flaming bag of Doggy-doo prank, and the ages old activities of ‘Snipe Hunting’ and ‘Cow Tipping’ are an all but forgotten art. Toilet papering a person’s lawn, while still remaining the most popular youth activity that involves the outdoors, has become a mere nuisance to even the worst teachers who have traditionally borne the brunt of our toilet papering ire. Mail boxes are no longer targets too tempting for a baseball bat wielding hoodlum to pass up as there is now an app for that.

Perhaps most surprising of all is the troubling fact that the vast majority of today’s youth cannot swim. Although most children can make Mario swim past, over, around, and through all kinds of hazards and climb out the other end of a dark, submerged pipe with no ill effects the children themselves have no actual ability to convey themselves through a body of water. Experts believe that since there are far fewer children actually learning to swim today then the levels of urine inside swimming pools across the country have fallen dramatically. Much like your kid will should they venture too close to a body of water and fall in because they are watching their cell phones and not where they are going.

Acknowledgements

The Universe is still expanding.

Headlines

The Universe Expanding at same rate as Rush Limbaugh's Self-Importance.

No Fire in Pennsylvania's Governor's Mansion. Just Re-election Hopes Going Up In Smoke.

D-Day Celebrations Misunderstood by High Schoolers. Not a Day Celebrating Poor Grades.

Bill Cosby Wears Sweatpants to Funeral. No One Cares.

High School Girl Scarlett Johannson Look-a-Like Can't Get a Date to Prom. Male Classmates Completely Stupid...

Disclaimer

If your garbage was strung across your lawn yesterday, it was not us.

The End

          FARCE Magazine is looking for new talent as we obviously have very little here to begin with. So, if you would like to become a contributor, please contact me, the Editor, at farcemagazine@gmail.com and allow us to help launch your successful career and when you're old and wrinkly you can look back and not remember that we helped you get your start. Now, please excuse me as I have to go place a flaming bag of  doggy-doo on my neighbor's stoop.

FARCE-A Family Humor Magazine Edition 44 May 16, 2014

COMICS

The Sheltered Life   by  Joel Wilhelm   www.facebook.com/TheShelteredLife

The Professor  by  Pat Patenaude     ca.linkedin.com/pub/the-professor/7/a03/4b8

The Odds by  Bill Harvey      www.BeholdComics.com

The Birdfeeder  by  Ben Carlson     www.thebirdfeeder.com

Rogue Symmetry  by  Derrick Wood      www.gocomics.com/rogue_symmetry

Moxie  by  Shawn Raymond

 HUMOR

FARCE News

((AP)) Asocial Press

Star Wars Movie Beefing Up Security

DUBAI, United Arab Emirates - A media company backed by the Gulf federation's capital of Abu Dhabi announced Wednesday that the next installment of "Star Wars" is currently filming in the oil-rich Middle Eastern emirate.

This announcement comes on the heels of several key newspapers posting articles on their web sites that claim to have seen a massive security force encircling certain media company sites within Abu Dhabi. The reporters claim to have observed ‘a lot of people that look strangely alike’ exchanging guarded looks, slight nods, and an air of superiority with each other while gently pushing passerby away from suspected filming sites.

While he was unable to confirm what specific security measures were being taken, Paul Baker (executive director of twofour54 Intaj, the company's production services division) defended the intense secrecy surrounding the shoot.

“This is the most anticipated movie shooting this year so it's quite reasonably shrouded in secrecy. Therefore we felt it necessary to bring in a platoon of clones and a Jedi ."

Sources say that a tall man shrouded in brown and gray robes has been heard saying things to people in these filming areas like, “These are not the cameras you’re looking for,” and “You can go about your business,” as well as “Move along” in calm and reassuring tones which compel the people to comply.

Man Finds What He’s Looking for in Wife’s Purse

Stillwater, Maine – Frank Busby is the man of the hour in this small village just north of Bangor. It has been asserted that Frank may very well be the first man in recorded history to actually find what he was looking for in his wife’s purse.

“She asked me to find her red lipstick for her,” Frank explained happily. “I opened it up and was a bit overwhelmed, honestly. I mean, there is a woman’s entire life inside those things.”

Frank and his wife Jolene have been married for twenty-seven years, eighteen of which she has had and used the purse, and during those years he tried to help her find items, such as her keys, in that purse before but each time came up short.

“I had failed so many times before that I just had limited expectations. But, she yelled directions to me from our closet to help. I gotta tell ya, when she said to ‘take a left’, that put the size of her purse in perspective,” Frank added with a laugh. “But what really helped is when she told me not to take a right or I’d find things that make a man embarrassed. Sure enough she knew exactly where it was and I felt like Indiana Jones plucking that little statue off a pedestal right before that giant boulder began rolling after him.”

The purse is very old and the label had fallen off long ago but Frank is sure that its brand name was Sampsonite.

Reportedly, Guiness Book of World Records will be highlighting Frank’s marvelous feat in their next edition.

 Acknowledgements
           A very special Thank You to everyone who never gets told Thank You. You may not deserve it, as
           evidenced by the fact that you never get told Thank You, but Thanks anyway.

Headlines
           Gary Busey the only Los Angeles resident not invited to Kim and Kanye's wedding. Shouts angrily at
           lamp.

           World's Oldest Man attributes his longevity to good genes. Lands deal with Levi's.
           Man Delivers Baby Fawn. Mother appears tasty.
        
           Cast of Glee realize real life sucks. Unhappy.

           Most Americans can't swim. Swimming pools contain correspondingly less urine.

           Boston Bombers used Christmas lights. Jesus not thrilled.

Disclaimer
          Reading FARCE Magazine may reduce overall intelligence. The editors dismis clame as untrew an
          inflamatorie.

The End
          FARCE Magazine is looking for new talent as we obviously have very little here to begin with. So, if you would like to become a contributor, please contact me, the Editor, at farcemagazine@gmail.com and allow us to help launch your successful career and when you're old and wrinkly you can look back and not remember that we helped you get your start. Now, please excuse me as I have to go chlorinate my swimming pool.

FARCE_A Family Humor Magazine Edition 43 May 2, 2014

COMICS

 Moxie     by Shawn Raymond

Rogue Symmetry     by Derrick Wood     www.gocomics.com/rogue_symmetry

The Odds     by Bill Harvey      www.BeholdComics.com

The Birdfeeder     by Ben Carlson      www.thebirdfeeder.com

The Professor     by Pat Patenaude      ca.linkedin.com/pub/the-professor/7/a03/4b8

 

The Sheltered Life     by Joel Wilhelm       www.facebook.com/TheShelteredLife

HUMOR

FARCE NEWS

((AP)) Asocial Press

Acknowledgements

That, yes, George Clooney is indeed a handsome man. And I, for one, haven't forgiven him for that Batman and Robin disaster.

Quote of the Week

"I want to kiss you." - Blind Chinese dissident Chen Guangcheng (after he had found sanctuary within the US Embassy in Beijing) to Hillary Clinton, proving beyond doubt he really is blind.

Headlines

V Stiviano, Personal Assistant and Silly Rabbit (but definately NOT sexual partner!) to current LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling to appear with General Mills' Silly Rabbit on Trix cereal Box cover.

Brawl breaks out after Mayweather -vs- Maidana boxing match which turned out to be better fight than Mayweather -vs- Maidana boxing match. 

Woman says man is stalking her. Posts picture of him on facebook in his shower in his house in night vision enhanced picture.

Satanist group unveils statue in Oklahoma of Satan. Looks like Obama.

Asteroid narrowly misses Earth, sighs in relief.

Man actually finds what he's searching for in wife's purse!

Disclaimer
Reading FARCE Magazine may cause anal bleeding. We really don't know why. So maybe we should have put this at the top. Oh well.

The End
FARCE Magazine is looking for new talent as we obviously have very little here to begin with. So, if you would like to become a contributor, please contact me, the Editor, at farcemagazine@gmail.com and allow us to help launch your successful career and when you're old and wrinkly you can look back and not remember that we helped you get your start. Now please excuse me while I try to get my shower picture taken off of facebook.

FARCE-A Family Humor Magazine Edition 42 April 15, 2014

COMICS

Rogue Symmetry  by Derrick Wood www.gocomics.com/rogue_symmetry

 The Odds  by Bill Harvey  www.BeholdComics.com

 The Birdfeeder  by Ben Carlson   www.thebirdfeeder.com

 The Professor  by Pat Patenaude ca.linkedin.com/pub/the-professor/7/a03/4b8

The Sheltered Life  by Joel Wilhelm  www.facebook.com/TheShelteredLife

Moxie  by Shawn Raymond

 Moxie POLITICK  by Shawn Raymond

 HUMOR

FARCE News
 ((Asocial Press))

Acknowledgements
Welcome to our newest contributor, Derrick Wood of Rogue Symmetry. As we say here at FARCE Magazine (and only at FARCE Magazine), Live Long and Prosper.

Quote of the Week
"Mr president if you want to find fault look in the mirror." Paul Ryan (Evidently practicing grandstanding tactics in front of a mirror, preparing himself for his presidency when idiots like him are heckling him.)

Come Back for the next issue where you may find articles concerning:

Former Philadelphis Eagles teammates defend DeSean Jackson by saying that "He cool; never put no cap in nobody in Philly!"

Ukrain sends troops west to show sign of strength against Russian aggression only to discover Russia occupies Ukrainian cities in the west.

Jenny McCarthy denies being anti-vaccine. Retracts "Vaccines are evil spirits from the depths of Hell designed to destroy a child's soul!" quote.

Major Health Insurance carrier CEO admits that sick people scare him.

President Obama's phone call to Russia's Vladamir Putin unsuccessful in resolving whether the name for Washington's NFL team, Redskins, is offensive.

Disclaimer
Which claimer? Dis claimer!
Find no fault in our nonsense if your nonsense has just as many, if not more, faults than our nonsense. Finding fault in our nonsense makes no sense and is, therefore, nonsense in and of itself making it totally nonsensical.

FARCE Magazine is looking for new talent as we obviously have very little here to begin with. So, if you would like to become a contributor, please contact me, the Editor, at farcemagazine@gmail.com and allow us to help launch your successful career and when you're old and wrinkly you can look back and not remember that we helped you get your start. Now, please excuse me as I have a date with Mia Hamm at the McDonalds VIP Club.