FARCE Magazine Edtion 31 May, 2013

Comics

The Odds   By Bill Harvey

Moxie Politick   By Shawn Raymond

Moxie   By Shawn Raymond

HUMOR

A Family Story:
Reading Skills

Several years ago my daughter came downstairs and announced that there was a website that listed rapists and they were all psychologists. "I'm never going to see a psychologist!" she added emphatically.

I found the concept of a rapist website a bit disturbing and asked her just what she was looking at.

"It's called the rapist dot com, Dad, and then it lists names!"

I followed her to the computer and found this website in the address line: therapist.com. I explained the importance of reading comprehension and showed her that it was not the rapist, but therapist that she was looking at.




FARCE News
((AP)) Asocial Press
Off Target
(Minneapolis) Target, apparently, did not catch a color name on one of its plus-size dresses in its women’s fashion line that could have been, and ultimately was, found to be insulting to women of the plus-sized stature. The color in question is called Manatee Gray and the design’s regular and petite sizes were called Heather Gray. This turned out to be a big problem.

"We apologize for any discomfort this might have caused and are working to update the name of the dress," says Target Spokesman Joshua Thomas. “We are big enough to recognize we made a huge mistake and will not fatten our already hefty market share presence by insulting the elephantine consumers who stuff their porcine bodies into bulky, ponderous looking dresses. So sorry.”

Other names that have come under fire are Blue Whale, Hippo Heather, and Beefy Butt Black.

Woman Displays Advanced Critical Thinking Skills
(Towanda, PA) Karen Slowiskin showed initiative and solved a problem within her office and in doing so displayed critical thinking skills that brought her to the attention of everyone within the company that she works for, the Law Office of Fleecyou, Filchright, and Thirdoffthetop.

Karen’s office co-worker, Lisa Felmwit, informed Karen that the shared printer was on its last piece of paper and that there was none in the storeroom because she had neglected to restock on time.

“I begged her to help me,” Lisa shared. “I didn’t want anyone to know I messed up by not ordering paper. “

Karen’s good heart got her mind churning. “I just tried to think where we might find more paper,” Karen explained of her motivation. “I said that I’d get some from the copier.”

“I was like, ‘Oh my Gosh!’ that is so brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that?’”, Lisa added.

“So, I took the last piece of paper from the printer,” Karen continued, “and spent the next two hours making copies!”



Avoid Turnpike and Buzzards
Harrisburg) Barry Schoch, the PA Transportation Secretary, has unveiled a sweeping array of changes within his department including alternative routes for pleasure drivers and even new road crew designs. Those plans were introduced by Gary Forgussen, assistant to the Assistant Secretary’s secretary.

“These comprehensive plans will enable Pennsylvanians to enjoy our roadways and also save the State untold hundreds of dollars,” Mr. Forgussen announced yesterday from the steps of the State Capital Building.

The plan addresses the concerns Pennsylvanians have about the ever increasing tolls on the Northeastern Turnpike Extension that runs from Allentown to Scranton. “We recognize the inconvenience these increases cause you every-day working stiffs as you scurry from your hovels to your below average paying jobs of tedium and boredom. My official advice to you is to find a less direct route. You know, get up a little earlier and hit the road to take a more scenic route. The extra time could easily be filled by listening to motivational tapes to improve your ‘winning-the-lottery’ type chances of actually improving your economic situation within this state.”

Other plan items include placing flag crews on the highways around road kill. “The most efficient method of road kill cleanup is mother nature herself,” Mr. Forgussen added. “You’ve all seen the crows and buzzards hard at work on a road kill carcass, but they fly away every time a car comes along and disturbs them. By placing flagmen at each end of the ‘clean-up zone’ we can afford them the chance to do their job without fear."

"If they can spend their time eating that disgusting, rotting, maggot laced carcass instead of flying off every minute or two and wasting precious time doing all that soaring and hovering nonsense the job would be done far sooner.” For larger road kill, such as deer or the occasional black bear Mr. Forgussen suggests “allowing carrion feeders from local zoos and aviaries to be bussed in for jobs that the free ranging animals cannot remove in a timely manner unassisted.”

When contacted at his office for follow up to Gary Forgussen’s announcement Transportation Secretary Schoch replied, “Gary who?”


Pennsylvanians Speak Out



(Map courtesy of some place on the internet)
The Question:
There have been many ‘liquid spills’ at Natural Gas well sites in recent months within the Northeastern Corner of Pennsylvania. News reports never reveal the chemical composition of those materials released in these spills. What do you think these ‘liquid’ spills contain?

Lindsey Farmont of Pittsburg: “Pennsylvania has a northeast corner? I mean, it’s shaped more like the top of a number three than an actual corner. A corner suggests ninety degree angles and the Northeast is just a straight line with a squiggly line dropping dramatically like a graph illustrating the number of teachers actually employed in Pennsylvania since 2011.”

Bellamy Scnieder of Montrose: “Who cares as long as those royalties keep flowing. Cha-ching, baby!”
 
Marty Hilton of Chesapeak Energy: “Rainbows and sunshine mixed with love and caring.”

 FARCE-A Family Humor Magazine is looking for non-syndicated comic artists and humor writers who would like to become FARCE contributors. Please contact the editor at farcemagazine@gmail.com.

FARCE Magazine Issue 30, Week of April 1, 2013

Comics

Moxie  by Shawn Raymond

Political Comics
Moxie Politick   by Shawn Raymond

Humor

True Family Story
2 Out of 3 Ain't Bad

Years ago, when my daughters were only in their single digits, we were playing a little basketball. I have to admit that those two little girls were running me ragged and I complained that "I'm getting to fat, old, and slow!"

My oldest daughter commented, "Oh, Dad. You're not old."

Evidently, however, she agreed that I was fat and slow!

FARCE News

((AP)) Asocial Press

Teenager Falls from Top Bunk. Grateful to be Alive.

(Wyalusing, PA)-Thirteen year old Morgan Maraine of Waxatawny, PA went to bed last Tuesday evening like any other American teenager, an i-pod in hand and with no plan to sleep until at least 3 a.m. or until all her Instagram friends ‘like’ that picture of her (with her arms squeezing her breasts to create faux-cleavage) at least 1,000 times. However, it wasn’t long before she needed to plug her i-pod into a wall outlet charger four feet below her second tier bunk bed. She leaned over the end of the bunk and carefully reached down. The i-pod screen suddenly lit up, momentarily distracting her from her task, causing her to look away and, unwittingly, to overextend her balance even as she smiled at a picture of that grumpy cat with a cute caption. 

She plummeted the remaining 18 inches like a wet sack of cement, splaying onto the floor.

Incredibly, she held on to her i-pod.

Even more incredibly, she walked away without injury and with total recall of the harrowing event.

“It was like falling in slow motion,” she said the next morning to her sister, Bertha, who slept through the terrifying ordeal on the bottom bunk. “I just feel lucky to be alive.”

Upon hearing of her alarming calamity, her friends offered condolences and comments, such as: “What are bunk beds?”, “I didn’t even know you had boobs!”, and “That grumpy cat picture was really funny.”

Academy of Motion Pictures announce Host for next Oscar

(Hollywood, CA) Seth McFarlane’s performance at this year’s Oscar showcase has been highly criticized by such Hollywood luminaries as Kat Von D, Carrot Top, and the guy in those AT&T commercials where the children say funny stuff and he just raptly pays attention. While Mr. McFarlane was a refreshing breath of air in a recently dry celebration the Motion Picture Academy has already reached out to another emcee to be next year’s host.

Said Academy President Tom Sherak, “We at the Academy are pleased to announce that we have left a message in a time capsule to be opened in the year 2136 by Captain James T. Kirk asking if he would host our Oscar Awards Show in February, 2014. We were inspired by his love of the movies, so much that he travelled through time to assist Mr. McFarlane, that we just felt it was the right thing to do. We hope that he can catch yet another gravitic parabola capable of slingshotting him around a star to create a temporal wormhole to give us a hand in this, our greatest hour of need.”

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North Korea acts provocatively. Again.

(Pyongyang) – North Korean Great Leader Kim Jung-un has announced that North Korea is no longer recognizing the various non-aggression treaty’s signed since the end of the military action on the peninsula in the 1950’s. When told that he could not push troops into the demilitarized zone without international condemnation because of the existing non-aggression treaty’s Mr. Kim was quoted as saying, “What are those?” He has urged his nation to “be ready to annihilate the enemy.”

There is speculation in Washington that North Korea’s success in the field of nuclear missiles is giving them a boost in national pride while still others pose that the Great Leader is suffering from the latent effects of DRS (Dennis Rodman Syndrome) which he likely contracted during the former basketball player, actor, rapper, cross dresser, body piercer, hair dyer, and Carmen Electra boy toy’s recent visit.

DRS is well known to cause the victim to develop an enormous sense of self entitlement and overblown , egotistical view that the world is their playground due to success at a high level within any given profession even though said success was actually the direct result of the efforts of other people and not of the victim.

Kim Jung-un was a prime candidate for DRS due to his innate ability to inherit the entire country of North Korea. His greatness is the result of just about everyone in the Kim family that came before him including the family cat that once ate a rat that was suspiciously eyeing the very young Mr. Kim while he napped in a bassinette. 

Says Dr. William Sparselymann, expert on the Dennis Rodman Syndrome, “Only a very rigorous slap across the face will snap the victim out of it.” However, after the first North Korean doctor’s attempt at this and his immediate execution coupled with the sudden, mysterious deaths of every single relative including twelfth cousins and a Rhesus Monkey that the doctor once fed on a visit to the Pyongyang Zoo as a child, no other doctor has tried treatment.

When asked by the State Department for his opinion on the great Leader’s provocative action Mr. Rodman responded, “’Cuz he’s messed up, man. Kept callin’ me ‘Barack’ the whole time.”

Local Man Experiences Full Range of Emotions

Tunkhannock, PA – Local man William “Willie” Farmingham has been living a secret life for 36 years. For fear of being ostracized by friends and an ultra-conservative Father in this mostly historically religious town caused him to bury who he really was inside, deeply hidden away from even the most intimate of friends.

“I thought he was a normal guy, you know,” says childhood friend Fred Milner. “I never expected this revelation. I just don’t want to think about it at all. It makes me angry.”

“He seemed just like the rest of us,” agreed another friend, Joe Banampolis, “so I’m finding it very difficult to process now. I’m trying not to lash out because I feel so betrayed.”

“You think you know someone,” added Clay Pitnany, “and then something like this comes out, man it just shakes up everything you thought you knew, you know!”

Mr. Farmingham accompanied his then girlfriend, Sally Catchings, to The Dietrich Theater in Tunkhannock on November 16, 2012 where he treated her to a movie that she wanted to see, ‘Silver Linings Playbook’, instead of taking her to see ‘Jack Reacher’ that he really wanted to see. Little did he know that that single unselfish decision would turn his world upside down.

“Okay, so I cried at the end,” Mr. Farmingham told this reporter of the event. “That movie took me through the whole gamut of human emotion and I lost it at the end in a moment of weakness. One tear! It was just one tear. That does not make me less of a man. Does it?”

Miss Catchings is despondent. “I was just so moved by the fact that a man could experience joy and sorrow and hope and renewal at all, let alone within such a limited timeframe. I was in uncharted territory. I didn’t know a man could experience anything other than anger and jealousy, honestly, so I told my friend Lisa about it trying to make sense of it. Next thing I know Willie calls me and breaks up with me. Says I ‘outed’ him. I didn’t know there was a code!”

“I knew early on that I was different,” Mr. Farmingham admits. “When I was 12 I found my eyes were wet after seeing ‘Ole Yeller’ die. My Mother saw it and quickly whisked me away so my Father wouldn’t see. Told me a man doesn’t cry except at a funeral, maybe, and to never let anyone, especially Dad, see me cry again. When Dad passed away in 1981 I made him proud and didn’t even sniffle once. Thank God he’s not here now to see what I’ve done to my life!

“So I buried it. I thought I had it under control when I managed to choke it back when Spock died in ‘Star Trek II : Wrath of Khan’ and I avoided movies like ‘The Notebook’ like the plague. But I risked it for Sally. I risked it just once, for her, and she told. She told, man! I can’t forgive that.”

While there are no signs of thawing between Mr. Farmingham and his ex-girlfriend, there are signs that his friends are considering giving him a second chance.

“Honestly,” says Fred Milner, “I think I understand where he’s coming from. I mean, I had a lump in my throat when Darth Vader gave his life to save Luke from the Emperor. I don’t know, maybe it wouldn’t have taken much to just let go then. I’m just not sure. Guys don’t cry, right? I mean, isn’t that the code that can’t be broken? If it can, then this whole crazy world just doesn’t make any sense.”

Mr. Farmingham is continuing his recovery in therapy.

FARCE-A Family Humor Magazine is free because, simply put, no one in their right minds would actually shell out cash for this nonsense! We are, however, looking for new cartoonists and humor writers who would like to contribute their creativity. Please contact the editor at farcemagazine@gmail.com.

FARCE Magazine Issue 29 Week of March 1, 2013

Comics

Moxie by Shawn Raymond

Political Comics
Moxie Politick   by Shawn Raymond

Humor

When It Comes to Teenagers, Take What You  Can Get  by Shawn Raymond

I came downstairs to watch a little TV and found my 16 year old daughter sitting on the sofa so I sat beside her. She looked at me over her glasses like a little old librarian about to chew out a small child for talking too loudly.

“What are you doing?” she asked coolly.

I smiled sweetly and answered, “Sitting with you.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you. A Dad wants to sit near his kids once in a while.”

Her eyes rolled dramatically. 

“What?” I knew I shouldn’t, but I continued anyway with the question that parents dread asking their teenage children. “Don’t you love me?”

She smiled and I thought that perhaps I had touched on something deep inside her, some connection that reminded her that she is in this world because of me and her mother; a connection made from love and I imagined that she was about to say that she loved me.

“I’d love you a whole lot more if you’d sit over there,” she said indicating a chair across the room.

Not exactly what I was imagining, but I’ll take it.

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FARCE News
((AP))  Asocial Press

Pope Quits!

VATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict shocked the world on Monday by saying that he no longer had the mental and physical strength to cope with the Papacy, in an announcement that surprised even his aides. This move will make him the first Pontiff to step down since the Middle Ages.

The Pope told the Cardinals that in order to govern "...both strength of mind and body are necessary, strength which in the last few months, has deteriorated in me to the extent that I have had to recognize my incapacity to adequately fulfill the ministry entrusted to me. Therefore, I will abdicate my Papal Office to pursue my dream of managing a German grunge band.”

There is no indication of which grunge band he wishes to manage although his i-pod reportedly contains arrangements from Second Coming and Inferno’s Keep.

USPS New Direction

The United States Postal Service, in looking for new ways to raise revenue, will introduce a clothing line with new clothing technology. “This breakthrough technology has saved many a mail carrier over the years,” says clothing expert Anna Karan, “ and I think the public will benefit from this advance as well.”

With the introduction of their upcoming apparel line entitled ‘Polyester Blues’ the USPS will present advances that include UCT (‘unsniffable crotch technology’) that masks human ‘butt scent’ thus eliminating those embarrassing moments with the neighbor’s dog.

Getting Tough with China

The U.S. is getting tough with China after receiving a report from a technology security firm that reveals that China’s government is using all of its resources to hack into major corporation’s mainframes to steal their secrets. Such companies as Apple, Google, Facebook, Amazon, The New York Times and Dunder-Mifflin have been attacked recently. Sources say that the Chinese are desperately searching for ways to gain entry into the computers at Spacely Space Sprockets. 

The White House has issued a statement saying firmly that China will face a fine. This, reportedly, comes upon the heels of a meeting with the President when he was informed of China’s illegal activity whereupon he replied, “Fine. Can we order take out?”

Pistrious Case Twist

Oscar Pistorius' murder case took a sensational twist Thursday when it was revealed that the chief investigator who analyzed the scene of Reeva Steenkamp's fatal shooting faces seven counts of attempted murder charges himself.

Hilton Botha  was allegedly one of three drunk police officers who opened fire on a mini-bus taxi full of passengers in 2011, according to South Africa's Eyewitness News. The other two officers were killed under mysterious circumstances. First, Greedo was shot to death in a seedy bar and some say Han Solo shot first. Then, later, Bobba Fett disappeared while performing a ‘moon-lighting’ security gig for a fat cat out in the desert.

Mr. Botha has been removed from his duties as the investigation continues.

McBorsh Coming to McDonalds?

McDonalds is expanding its holdings within mother Russia with plans to open 150 new restaurants within the next three years with traditional Russian foods finding their way onto the menu, such as the McBorsh Meal (Beet Soup with fish pieces)and the McVodka Shake. 

"Beyond the Urals, we are interested in Western and Eastern Siberia, and we are also considering franchising out restaurants in (Russia's western) enclave of Kaliningrad," Russia CEO Khamzat Khasbulatov told a news conference. “But the clown is not coming. Ronald McDonald is not to set his giant red feet in Russia. This is a bleak place and happiness in not allowed.”

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Is Taylor Swift the Worst Ex-Girlfriend Ever?

A recent poll asked the question, ‘Is Taylor Swift the worst ex-girlfriend ever?”  The poll, with data collected from over 3 million men ages 18 to 75 from across all social and economic demographics, was conducted over a period of three days using all of today’s social media platforms including e-mail as well as telephone calling. The answer was a resounding ‘Yes’.“  This was the largest scale poll I’ve ever been involved with,” says Viv Everly, director of SoGMAL (Someone Get Me A Latte)Polling, “and I have never seen a poll get exactly a 100% return. That means we polled 3 million people and all 3 million people actually answered. That’s just dumbfounding, staggering in its enormity.”

 A normal poll receives generally 35% to 40% response from the total number polled so realistically the poll should have garnered no more than 1.2 million responses, and that would have been big, but to reach 100% must say a lot about the subject matter.

“One guy said that if he had just three days to be her boyfriend that he’d do it anyway, knowing full well that she’s a Black Widow type just looking for material to further her success, because it would be three days of pure bliss. In fact,” Ms. Everly said, “they all pretty much said the same thing. It actually makes me sick just thinking about how shallow these men are. What am I saying? Of course they’d say that since all men are shallow. A pretty face, a little talent, a smoking hot bod…wait…are you still recording?”

Bachelor Bigamy!

In a stunning twist on NBC’s ‘The Bachelor’ Shawn Lowe discovers a way to avoid the approaching heartache of having to send one of the three remaining stunning, world-class hotties home.

While walking through a bazaar in a remote section of Thailand he had a quiet discussion with a gnarled old woman named Gretta. Evidently the woman told Sean of an age old tradition in the local mountains of men taking more than one wife. So that is what he was thinking about the entire week after being so effected by a tearful farewell last week when Lauren did not receive a rose and cried, “Why does this always happen to me? Every time I try to win a game show husband I lose. Why?”

The Rose Ceremony consisted of Sean throwing the roses on the ground, pushing host  Chris Harrison    to the ground, grabbing the hands of all three girls and running with them in tow out the door and into the darkness. Locals, all of them wearing great big grins and knowing looks, say that they witnessed a white man and three stunning, world-class hotties racing into the forested mountains.

Says host Chris Harrison, “Frankly, I’m surprised no one’s tried this before!”

 FARCE Magazine is a free humor magazine because, let's face it, nobody's going to pay for this crap!

However, we are looking for new, non-syndicated artists and humor writers who would like to become FARCE Magazine contributors. Contact the editor at farcemagazine@gmail.com .