FARCE Magazine Edtion 31 May, 2013

Comics

The Odds   By Bill Harvey

Moxie Politick   By Shawn Raymond

Moxie   By Shawn Raymond

HUMOR

A Family Story:
Reading Skills

Several years ago my daughter came downstairs and announced that there was a website that listed rapists and they were all psychologists. "I'm never going to see a psychologist!" she added emphatically.

I found the concept of a rapist website a bit disturbing and asked her just what she was looking at.

"It's called the rapist dot com, Dad, and then it lists names!"

I followed her to the computer and found this website in the address line: therapist.com. I explained the importance of reading comprehension and showed her that it was not the rapist, but therapist that she was looking at.




FARCE News
((AP)) Asocial Press
Off Target
(Minneapolis) Target, apparently, did not catch a color name on one of its plus-size dresses in its women’s fashion line that could have been, and ultimately was, found to be insulting to women of the plus-sized stature. The color in question is called Manatee Gray and the design’s regular and petite sizes were called Heather Gray. This turned out to be a big problem.

"We apologize for any discomfort this might have caused and are working to update the name of the dress," says Target Spokesman Joshua Thomas. “We are big enough to recognize we made a huge mistake and will not fatten our already hefty market share presence by insulting the elephantine consumers who stuff their porcine bodies into bulky, ponderous looking dresses. So sorry.”

Other names that have come under fire are Blue Whale, Hippo Heather, and Beefy Butt Black.

Woman Displays Advanced Critical Thinking Skills
(Towanda, PA) Karen Slowiskin showed initiative and solved a problem within her office and in doing so displayed critical thinking skills that brought her to the attention of everyone within the company that she works for, the Law Office of Fleecyou, Filchright, and Thirdoffthetop.

Karen’s office co-worker, Lisa Felmwit, informed Karen that the shared printer was on its last piece of paper and that there was none in the storeroom because she had neglected to restock on time.

“I begged her to help me,” Lisa shared. “I didn’t want anyone to know I messed up by not ordering paper. “

Karen’s good heart got her mind churning. “I just tried to think where we might find more paper,” Karen explained of her motivation. “I said that I’d get some from the copier.”

“I was like, ‘Oh my Gosh!’ that is so brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that?’”, Lisa added.

“So, I took the last piece of paper from the printer,” Karen continued, “and spent the next two hours making copies!”



Avoid Turnpike and Buzzards
Harrisburg) Barry Schoch, the PA Transportation Secretary, has unveiled a sweeping array of changes within his department including alternative routes for pleasure drivers and even new road crew designs. Those plans were introduced by Gary Forgussen, assistant to the Assistant Secretary’s secretary.

“These comprehensive plans will enable Pennsylvanians to enjoy our roadways and also save the State untold hundreds of dollars,” Mr. Forgussen announced yesterday from the steps of the State Capital Building.

The plan addresses the concerns Pennsylvanians have about the ever increasing tolls on the Northeastern Turnpike Extension that runs from Allentown to Scranton. “We recognize the inconvenience these increases cause you every-day working stiffs as you scurry from your hovels to your below average paying jobs of tedium and boredom. My official advice to you is to find a less direct route. You know, get up a little earlier and hit the road to take a more scenic route. The extra time could easily be filled by listening to motivational tapes to improve your ‘winning-the-lottery’ type chances of actually improving your economic situation within this state.”

Other plan items include placing flag crews on the highways around road kill. “The most efficient method of road kill cleanup is mother nature herself,” Mr. Forgussen added. “You’ve all seen the crows and buzzards hard at work on a road kill carcass, but they fly away every time a car comes along and disturbs them. By placing flagmen at each end of the ‘clean-up zone’ we can afford them the chance to do their job without fear."

"If they can spend their time eating that disgusting, rotting, maggot laced carcass instead of flying off every minute or two and wasting precious time doing all that soaring and hovering nonsense the job would be done far sooner.” For larger road kill, such as deer or the occasional black bear Mr. Forgussen suggests “allowing carrion feeders from local zoos and aviaries to be bussed in for jobs that the free ranging animals cannot remove in a timely manner unassisted.”

When contacted at his office for follow up to Gary Forgussen’s announcement Transportation Secretary Schoch replied, “Gary who?”


Pennsylvanians Speak Out



(Map courtesy of some place on the internet)
The Question:
There have been many ‘liquid spills’ at Natural Gas well sites in recent months within the Northeastern Corner of Pennsylvania. News reports never reveal the chemical composition of those materials released in these spills. What do you think these ‘liquid’ spills contain?

Lindsey Farmont of Pittsburg: “Pennsylvania has a northeast corner? I mean, it’s shaped more like the top of a number three than an actual corner. A corner suggests ninety degree angles and the Northeast is just a straight line with a squiggly line dropping dramatically like a graph illustrating the number of teachers actually employed in Pennsylvania since 2011.”

Bellamy Scnieder of Montrose: “Who cares as long as those royalties keep flowing. Cha-ching, baby!”
 
Marty Hilton of Chesapeak Energy: “Rainbows and sunshine mixed with love and caring.”

 FARCE-A Family Humor Magazine is looking for non-syndicated comic artists and humor writers who would like to become FARCE contributors. Please contact the editor at farcemagazine@gmail.com.