FARCE Magazine Issue 29 Week of March 1, 2013

Comics

Moxie by Shawn Raymond

Political Comics
Moxie Politick   by Shawn Raymond

Humor

When It Comes to Teenagers, Take What You  Can Get  by Shawn Raymond

I came downstairs to watch a little TV and found my 16 year old daughter sitting on the sofa so I sat beside her. She looked at me over her glasses like a little old librarian about to chew out a small child for talking too loudly.

“What are you doing?” she asked coolly.

I smiled sweetly and answered, “Sitting with you.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you. A Dad wants to sit near his kids once in a while.”

Her eyes rolled dramatically. 

“What?” I knew I shouldn’t, but I continued anyway with the question that parents dread asking their teenage children. “Don’t you love me?”

She smiled and I thought that perhaps I had touched on something deep inside her, some connection that reminded her that she is in this world because of me and her mother; a connection made from love and I imagined that she was about to say that she loved me.

“I’d love you a whole lot more if you’d sit over there,” she said indicating a chair across the room.

Not exactly what I was imagining, but I’ll take it.

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FARCE News
((AP))  Asocial Press

Pope Quits!

VATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict shocked the world on Monday by saying that he no longer had the mental and physical strength to cope with the Papacy, in an announcement that surprised even his aides. This move will make him the first Pontiff to step down since the Middle Ages.

The Pope told the Cardinals that in order to govern "...both strength of mind and body are necessary, strength which in the last few months, has deteriorated in me to the extent that I have had to recognize my incapacity to adequately fulfill the ministry entrusted to me. Therefore, I will abdicate my Papal Office to pursue my dream of managing a German grunge band.”

There is no indication of which grunge band he wishes to manage although his i-pod reportedly contains arrangements from Second Coming and Inferno’s Keep.

USPS New Direction

The United States Postal Service, in looking for new ways to raise revenue, will introduce a clothing line with new clothing technology. “This breakthrough technology has saved many a mail carrier over the years,” says clothing expert Anna Karan, “ and I think the public will benefit from this advance as well.”

With the introduction of their upcoming apparel line entitled ‘Polyester Blues’ the USPS will present advances that include UCT (‘unsniffable crotch technology’) that masks human ‘butt scent’ thus eliminating those embarrassing moments with the neighbor’s dog.

Getting Tough with China

The U.S. is getting tough with China after receiving a report from a technology security firm that reveals that China’s government is using all of its resources to hack into major corporation’s mainframes to steal their secrets. Such companies as Apple, Google, Facebook, Amazon, The New York Times and Dunder-Mifflin have been attacked recently. Sources say that the Chinese are desperately searching for ways to gain entry into the computers at Spacely Space Sprockets. 

The White House has issued a statement saying firmly that China will face a fine. This, reportedly, comes upon the heels of a meeting with the President when he was informed of China’s illegal activity whereupon he replied, “Fine. Can we order take out?”

Pistrious Case Twist

Oscar Pistorius' murder case took a sensational twist Thursday when it was revealed that the chief investigator who analyzed the scene of Reeva Steenkamp's fatal shooting faces seven counts of attempted murder charges himself.

Hilton Botha  was allegedly one of three drunk police officers who opened fire on a mini-bus taxi full of passengers in 2011, according to South Africa's Eyewitness News. The other two officers were killed under mysterious circumstances. First, Greedo was shot to death in a seedy bar and some say Han Solo shot first. Then, later, Bobba Fett disappeared while performing a ‘moon-lighting’ security gig for a fat cat out in the desert.

Mr. Botha has been removed from his duties as the investigation continues.

McBorsh Coming to McDonalds?

McDonalds is expanding its holdings within mother Russia with plans to open 150 new restaurants within the next three years with traditional Russian foods finding their way onto the menu, such as the McBorsh Meal (Beet Soup with fish pieces)and the McVodka Shake. 

"Beyond the Urals, we are interested in Western and Eastern Siberia, and we are also considering franchising out restaurants in (Russia's western) enclave of Kaliningrad," Russia CEO Khamzat Khasbulatov told a news conference. “But the clown is not coming. Ronald McDonald is not to set his giant red feet in Russia. This is a bleak place and happiness in not allowed.”

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Is Taylor Swift the Worst Ex-Girlfriend Ever?

A recent poll asked the question, ‘Is Taylor Swift the worst ex-girlfriend ever?”  The poll, with data collected from over 3 million men ages 18 to 75 from across all social and economic demographics, was conducted over a period of three days using all of today’s social media platforms including e-mail as well as telephone calling. The answer was a resounding ‘Yes’.“  This was the largest scale poll I’ve ever been involved with,” says Viv Everly, director of SoGMAL (Someone Get Me A Latte)Polling, “and I have never seen a poll get exactly a 100% return. That means we polled 3 million people and all 3 million people actually answered. That’s just dumbfounding, staggering in its enormity.”

 A normal poll receives generally 35% to 40% response from the total number polled so realistically the poll should have garnered no more than 1.2 million responses, and that would have been big, but to reach 100% must say a lot about the subject matter.

“One guy said that if he had just three days to be her boyfriend that he’d do it anyway, knowing full well that she’s a Black Widow type just looking for material to further her success, because it would be three days of pure bliss. In fact,” Ms. Everly said, “they all pretty much said the same thing. It actually makes me sick just thinking about how shallow these men are. What am I saying? Of course they’d say that since all men are shallow. A pretty face, a little talent, a smoking hot bod…wait…are you still recording?”

Bachelor Bigamy!

In a stunning twist on NBC’s ‘The Bachelor’ Shawn Lowe discovers a way to avoid the approaching heartache of having to send one of the three remaining stunning, world-class hotties home.

While walking through a bazaar in a remote section of Thailand he had a quiet discussion with a gnarled old woman named Gretta. Evidently the woman told Sean of an age old tradition in the local mountains of men taking more than one wife. So that is what he was thinking about the entire week after being so effected by a tearful farewell last week when Lauren did not receive a rose and cried, “Why does this always happen to me? Every time I try to win a game show husband I lose. Why?”

The Rose Ceremony consisted of Sean throwing the roses on the ground, pushing host  Chris Harrison    to the ground, grabbing the hands of all three girls and running with them in tow out the door and into the darkness. Locals, all of them wearing great big grins and knowing looks, say that they witnessed a white man and three stunning, world-class hotties racing into the forested mountains.

Says host Chris Harrison, “Frankly, I’m surprised no one’s tried this before!”

 FARCE Magazine is a free humor magazine because, let's face it, nobody's going to pay for this crap!

However, we are looking for new, non-syndicated artists and humor writers who would like to become FARCE Magazine contributors. Contact the editor at farcemagazine@gmail.com .