Edition 13 Week of April 2, 2012

HUMOR

The Speeder

A traffic cop on patrol one night, watching a 35mph zone on the edge of town, suddenly saw a car come blazing by his hideout. Quickly grabbing at his radar gun, he clocked the fast moving vehicle at 87mph!
The officer took off after the speeder and soon had the car pulled over on the side of the road. Expecting trouble with such a reckless driver, the patrolman approached cautiously.
To his surprise the driver of the offending vehicle was a little old lady, barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel.

"Ma'am," the officer began. "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was just getting her up around 90, I believe, officer," the old lady answered calmly, peering up at him through her bifocals. "Why, what seems to be the problem?"

Shocked, the officer returned her comment, "What seems to be the problem? Why, this is a 35mph zone! That's the problem. Didn't you see the sign?"

"Oh sure," the old lady returned, "That's why I'm driving so fast. I'm just trying to follow it's instruction."

Dumbfounded, the officer was momentarily speechless.

"Just what sign are you talking about, Ma'am?" he asked, when he finally recovered.

Smiling up at the officer, the old lady placed a gentle hand on his wrist and said, "Why, the one that said 'Speed Zone Ahead', of course!"


 

Advice from Dad

I took my daughters out for a walk one fine morning. After a few quiet minutes of walking, my oldest asked, "Dad, how to birds stay flying in the sky?"

I thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don't know." I had to admit to myself that I really didn't understand it much at all and half an answer isn't a good answer.

Shortly after my youngest daughter asked, "How does a boat float on the water?"

Once again, I had to reply, "Don’t know about that either."

My oldest looked at me like she was thinking of the easiest possible question in the world to answer and asked,  "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, even though I thought about just giving them something, anything, to keep them from making me feel like an idiot, I replied, "Sorry. I'm  not sure."

The youngest looked at me, obviously puzzled and asked, "Dad, do you mind that we're asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not." I replied, determined to derail this line of questioning.  "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"

Laughter always makes up for ignorance.





FARCE Magazine is looking for non-syndicated comics and written humor material. Interested? Contact the Editor at farcemagazine@gmail.com .

Edition 12 Week of March 24, 2012

 MOXIE Politick       by Shawn Raymond

Humor

Three Sisters

Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. One evening, the 96 year old sister went upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, "Was I getting in the tub or out?"
"You dern fool," said the 94 year old. "I'll come up and see." When she got half way up the stairs she paused. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, "I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She shook her head and called out, "I'll be up to help you both as soon as I see who's at the door."


Southern Smarts

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Yankees each buy a train ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy only a single ticket.

 "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Yankee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Southerners.

They all board the train.

The Yankees take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Yankees see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Yankees decide to copy the Southerners on the return trip and save some money (being tight with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the Southerners don't buy a ticket at all.
 "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Yankee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Southerner.

When they board the train, the three Yankees cram into a restroom and the three Southerners cram into another one nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the Southerners leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Yankees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."


FARCE Magazine is a site for non-syndicated comics and humor material. If you'd like to submit your work to FARCE Magazine simply query the editor at farcemagazine@gmail.com .

Edition 10 Week of March 12, 2012

 

 Moxie Politick

Humor

A Dad's Role

My two daughters were having a discussion about family resemblance. "I look like Mom," said my nine-year-old, "but I have Dad's eyes and Dad's lips."

The six-year-old said, "And I look just like Dad, but I have light hair." Then she turned to me. "Mom," she asked, "what does Dad have to do with us being born anyway?"

Her older sister jumped right in. "Don't be silly. Dad is the one who drove Mom to the hospital." 

Stupid, Stupid Dangling Participle!!

Or, what you meant to say was not what was heard!

 

- The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.

- The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.

~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.

- Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.

- The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.

- We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.

- Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.

Would you like to contribute Humor Material to FARCE Magazine? Contact the Editor at farcemagazine@yahoo.com .

Week of February 6, 2012

Featured Comics:  Moxie Politick and Moxie           Featured Humor: Relationships Ending Badly
                                     by Shawn Raymond         

MOXIE  Politick

                                                                                     Relationships Ending Badly

"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:...
-- What was I thinking?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
-- After having married you, I've changed my mind."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
-- that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
-- I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,...
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again."

"After all those years together, you still ook great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!"

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...
-- So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here."



And Just because I thought this was funny: 

The Ultimate Multitasker

 

Click HERE to visit Just Fish Taxidermy

FARCE Magazine is a forum to showcase non-syndicated comics, humor writing, and just plain funny stuff. Want to add content? E-mail editor at farcemagazine@gmail.com or farcemagazine@yahoo.com

Week of January 30, 2012

Click HERE for a JUST FISH sample gallery

In this issue:

Featured Comic: Moxie by Shawn Raymond




Humor Column: What's in a Name

Family Story: The Curio Cabinet
                                     By LaVonn Black

What's in a Name

What’s in a Name?

The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, “What’s your name, sailor?”

“John,” the new seaman replied.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding heart, namby-pamby, feel good kind of philosophy that they’re teaching in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by their first name,” The Chief growled. “It breeds familiarity and that inevitably leads to a serious breakdown in authority.  We aren’t working at the local mini market, son where we’ll get chatty about your pimple problem or what you watched on TV last. We are in the U.S. Navy, son and I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Johnson, Miller, and so on. And you will refer to me as Chief, and only Chief. Is that clear, sailor?”

“Aye, aye, Chief!”

“Then, tell me, what is your name sailor?”

“Darling, Chief. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay, John, here’s what we’re going to do…”

The Curio Cabinet by LaVonn Black

I had done some traveling while I was in the military and had gathered a nice collection of souvenirs from Europe. We had been married quite a few years when my husband asked me why I didn’t display any of my collectibles. I didn’t really have a good spot for them so they sat in boxes in the attic.

We were in the middle of some home improvement project when suddenly a delivery truck arrived shortly before Christmas. The moving men carried in a beautiful three paned glass and oak curio cabinet with a mirror in the back that illuminated with a plug-in light. I was home alone when it arrived and I found a temporary home for the movers to put it. I thought it would be nice if it came when the work was done and I wasn’t sure how small children and a German Shepherd dog would do with such a fragile piece of  furniture. So I can’t say I was all that excited about it, but I appreciated my husband’s  idea that I would like to display my treasures.

Our children were around 5 and 8 years old and I will always remember the expressions on their faces when they saw the cabinet. They both squealed with delight and ran upstairs to their rooms to get the items they were the most proud of to put in this showpiece. Our son brought down his pinewood derby cars, a lensatic compass and a wooden airplane. Our daughter brought a nice fossil and a painted glass box. My husband and I looked at each other in surprise.

It sits in a corner of our living room and is often covered with mud from the dogs’ tails, dust from the country roads and hidden by our Christmas tree in the winter season, but it holds some of the most precious items in our household. The Kachina Dolls and pottery faces both of our children made in elementary school, the dog figurines and lighted crystals from local fairs, a real stuffed frog with a violin my husband carried all the way back for me on the plane on a business trip. It holds a dried lily pad  from a day on a boat at my parents farm as well as a bird’s nest we found on a walk on my childhood cow paths. We found it on a visit home and my brother saved it and sent to me one Christmas. He said he knew that I would probably like it in our tree.  Yes, through the years it has become the protector of our memories. On top sits the statue of Jesus that David bought when we were first married, a doll that we found in Amish Country that looked just like our first baby and our son’s Eagle statue from his Boy Scout achievement. It holds the candles from Prom and just the other day my daughter asked if she could put something else in the curio. I’m curious what it is.

 All those souvenirs from those far off countries that the curio was first intended are still in the attic. I haven’t seen them in years, but it doesn’t really matter to me. Even today I still see those small children and the excitement of a surprise for their Mom. Sometimes the best things are not the way we plan them. Life has a way of giving us the unexpected and it’s better than we could imagine.

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ATTENTION  READERS: If you would like to submit your non-syndicated comic or humor and family articles please send queries and samples to farcemagazine@gmail.com or farcemagazine@yahoo.com .

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Click HERE to see a JUST FISH sample gallery

Edition 4 Week of January 23, 2012

In this issue:

click here to view Just Fish Taxidermy

Featured Comic Strip -  Moxie  by Shawn Raymond 
                          
Featured Humor Articles  -   Yet Another  Reason Not to Fly

and  Best World Series Seats in the House

 Click on images for Larger View

                                        


Yet Another Reason Not to Fly

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announced over the intercom that "We're just waiting for the pilots."

The passengers looked out the window and saw two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men were using guide dogs and appeared to be blind. There were murmurs among the passengers, and some believed it was a joke.

The men boarded the plane and went into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles came from the passengers. The plane taxied normally to the runway and began it's takeoff. As passengers looked out the window they realized that they were nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin began screaming but the plane lifted off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calmed down and chuckled to themselves, at this point believing that they had fallen for a joke.

In the cockpit, the pilot turned to his copilot and said, "You know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

 

Best World Series Seats In The House

A man had front row tickets behind home plate at the World Series, when another guy comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "Nope", he replied, "that seat is empty".

"Whoah! That's crazy!", said the guy. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Series, the biggest day in all of baseball, and not even bother show up?"

Sadly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Series we've missed since we got married in 1964."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. What a shame. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

"Nah," the man replies as he shakes his head, "they're all at the funeral."

If you are a non-syndicated comic strip artist or humor writer and would like to add content to FARCE Magazine, send queries and samples to  farcemagazine@gmail.com . 

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                                                                    Click web address below ad image to view a gallery of finished work.

Week of Jan. 16 to Jan. 22, 2012

 Contents of this edition:

Featured Comic Strip - Moxie

Humorous Family Stories - Dad's Just Can't Win  

Humor Column - Get Out of the Car!    -

 

Featured Comics:

Family  Stories: 

Dad Just Can't Win


I was shoveling snow one cold January day when my first daughter was only 3 years old. It was very cold out so she came out bundled in her snow suit. She had come out to 'help' Daddy shovel snow.

I was working pretty hard and the cold temperature caused me to cough. I turned away from my daughter and spit the resulting phlegm behind our porch. When I turn back my daughter was standing next to me with tears in her eyes so I asked her what was wrong.

She pointed to where I had spit in the snow and sobbingly said, "That was my favorite spot!"

Evidently she was mortified that, of all the places that I could have deposited my phlegm, I had to choose her very favorite spot. Two acres of lawn and I defiled her one square inch of favorite spot!

I consoled her and, although slightly annoyed, I apologized for this grievous affront.

I continued shoveling while she 'helped' by sliding down the snow pile I had just made and filled the path back in.

The second cough came roughly 3 minutes after the first and, knowing now where her favorite spot was, I turned a different direction and once again spit the gooey mucous as far away as I could near some bushes.

Once again I found her teary face looking at me with that 'how-could-you? look as if I had just slapped a kitten.

"Now what's wrong?" I asked.

"That was my second favorite spot!"


Humor Columns:

Get Out Of The Car

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida) 

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. 

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. 

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable. 

 

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