Edition 35 September ,2013
COMICS:
Birdfeeder by Ben Carlson www.thebirdfeeder.com
Birdfeeder by Ben Carlson www.thebirdfeeder.com
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The Odds by Bill Harvey www.BeholdComics.com
The Odds by Bill Harvey www.BeholdComics.com
Moxie By Shawn Raymond
Question of the Month
Do you think the US should support Syrian President Assad or
support the rebels?
“Hey, spell Assad backwards and you get Saddam. Go rebels!” :
Tim Finkelstein, Dyslexic and poor speller from Troop, PA.
“Go Runnin’ Rebels! Yeah!” : Billy Bisclar, University of Nevada,
Las Vegas, Music Major.
“I say we go in and Shock and Awe ‘em, you know? Bet ya we’d
find those Iraqi weapons of mass destruction that wiley ole’ Saddam moved out
before we found ‘em.” : Former President George W. Bush.
HUMOR
FARCE News
((AP)) Asocial Press
Myths about
Sweden
1. Not all Swede’s are Swedish.
In a shocking revelation that has rocked the core of the
entertainment industry reporters have discovered that the iconic Swedish Chef
of the Muppet Show fame is actually an Austrian immigrant whose parents fled to
Sweden in 1938 as the Nazi Regime began persecuting peoples of ‘puppet-like’
qualities. Just a toddler at the time, the future Swedish Chef became a
naturalized citizen of Sweden in 1961 where he began growing comically bushy
eye brows and that chimney sweep mustache.
Also not Swedish: Arnold Schwarzzenegger, President Barack
Obama, and about 7 billion others.
2. All Swedish people are blond.
There are still plenty of fair-haired people on the streets
of Stockholm, but immigration from the Middle East, Africa, Latin America and
Asia is rapidly changing the makeup of the nation. Nearly 18 people in Sweden's
nearly 10 million inhabitants were born with brown hair as a result.
3. Sweden is Socialist.
Since taking office in 2006, Fredrick Reinfeldt's
center-right Swedish government has accelerated the move away from socialism,
selling off state-owned businesses including the maker of Absolut vodka. Sweden
still has a hugely generous welfare system and taxes still account for about
half of the economy clearly marking them as Democrats, not socialists.
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Carrie
Underwood to sing the ‘Sunday Night Football theme for NBC.
(NASHVILLE, Tenn.) (AP)
— Carrie Underwood
has taken the handoff from Faith
Hill to perform the musical introduction for NBC's
"Sunday Night Football," but don't expect a single football loving
man to even notice. It will take at least a month for football starved fans
(since there has been no real football since February, a total of 211 days
since the Super Bowl) to finally realize, “Hey, somethin’s goin’ on here. Wait
a minute. Did Faith Hill get even sexier?”
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Fukushima
Risk to Pacific Exaggerated
(Tokyo, Japan) --The chief of Japan's nuclear watchdog chided the operator of the Fukushima Nuclear Power plant that had been damaged by the 2011 Tsunami (tsunami *literally meaning ‘Great Ceasar’s Ghost that’s a really BIG wave’) Thursday for its inability to properly explain problems, which he said was inflating fears around the world.
Shunichi Tanaka, chairman of the Nuclear Regulation Authority, said information given by Tokyo Electric Power (TEPCO) on the level of radioactive contamination was "scientifically unacceptable".
He also lashed out at media coverage of a series of water leaks, saying reports were giving a misleading impression of the seriousness of the situation at the stricken plant.
"From what we can see from existing data... so far there is no meaningful effect" on the Pacific.
Witnesses say that it was an ironic twist of fate that Mr. Tanaka was immediately swallowed by a 75 foot squid with six blood-oozing eyes and giant, festering pustules peppering its skin that appeared to be melting off of its skeletal structure.
Source: Qwickipedia.com, a subsidiary of FARCE Magazine
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(Tulsa, Oklahoma) --“It was a long time coming,” said Ronnie Sedonoldovitch, “but it’s probably for the best.”
Mr. Sedonoldovitch announced to his fiance that he was, finally, after 3 years of hedging, meeting her one condition to marriage and that they could begin building a life together.
“Clearly he has demonstrated anxiety about parting with that part of his old life,” says fiancé Marianne Van Fettermier, “and I just could not deal with seeing them laying in his dresser drawer all the time knowing that they meant more to him than I do. They were from his ex-wife, after all and had become a real point of contention between us. He’s able to finally let go of them. Right now I’m pretty happy.”
Mr. Sedonoldovitch heaped some wood into a pile and, after fueling it appropriately with gasoline, threw a match into it that began the ceremony to break ties with his past.
“I’ve been holding onto these for 32 years and, man this is hard. They’ve just been such a comfort over the years. I mean, they held the best part of me for a long, long time. At least once a week I’d have to take them out, you know. They just made me feel so secure.”
Marianne gently rubbed her fiance’s back and nodded toward the drawer laying on the picnic table next to the fire pit. He lovingly held her gaze for a moment and reached into the drawer. Steeling himself, he quickly tossed a pair of ratty fruit-of-the-loom underwear into the fire where they were instantly consumed.
Nodding and drawing a deep breath he said, “It was a long time coming, but it’s probably for the best.”
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In Conclusion:
"What? That's it? It's a good thing I didn't pay for this crummy rag. What a jip!" - Grandma
And so ends another issue of the world renown (there's some guy in New Jersey that reads this after all) satire magazine FARCE-a Family Humor Magazine. It had such a short life, but a life well lived. The world will always remember this issue for its endearing legacy of mind numbing idiocy. And so shall it be. So shall it be.
In the shadow of this inauspicious ending we must remind ourselves that, yes, there shall come a day next month, when the floodgates of laughter will open and once again riotous humor will fill the pages of some other magazine while the next FARCE issue will be just as inane as this issue was. Nevertheless, return, we shall.
Special thanks to Bill Harvey and Ben Carlson for lending their talents to this blog.
Special thanks to my third grade art teacher for teaching me that soap, indeed, does not taste good.
Thanks to my editor, without whom I wouldn't be able to write thank you to my editor.
A heart-felt Thank You to FARCE Magazine's reader.You know who you are and you'd better hope we don't find out.
Again, Thanks to the President, the US Congress, and the US Supreme Court for allowing our Rights to
to continuously be infringed upon, thereby teaching us how good we used to have it.
Thanks to my neighbor for retrieving the dog poop from my lawn after I called the police last week and complained about it.
And finally, Thank You to Carrie Underwood for being even sexier than Faith Hill.
You may leave now.
Stop reading.
The End.
Don't you know what the end means?
It means there is no more.
See?
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