Moxie by Shawn Raymond
Moxie Politick by Shawn Raymond
Humor
True Family Story
2 Out of 3 Ain't Bad
Years ago, when my daughters were only in their single digits, we were playing a little basketball. I have to admit that those two little girls were running me ragged and I complained that "I'm getting to fat, old, and slow!"
My oldest daughter commented, "Oh, Dad. You're not old."
Evidently, however, she agreed that I was fat and slow!
FARCE News
((AP)) Asocial Press
Teenager
Falls from Top Bunk. Grateful to be Alive.
(Wyalusing, PA)-Thirteen year old Morgan Maraine of
Waxatawny, PA went to bed last Tuesday evening like any other American
teenager, an i-pod in hand and with no plan to sleep until at least 3 a.m. or
until all her Instagram friends ‘like’ that picture of her (with her arms
squeezing her breasts to create faux-cleavage) at least 1,000 times. However,
it wasn’t long before she needed to plug her i-pod into a wall outlet charger
four feet below her second tier bunk bed. She leaned over the end of the bunk
and carefully reached down. The i-pod screen suddenly lit up, momentarily
distracting her from her task, causing her to look away and, unwittingly, to
overextend her balance even as she smiled at a picture of that grumpy cat with
a cute caption.
She plummeted the remaining 18 inches like a wet sack of
cement, splaying onto the floor.
Incredibly, she held on to her i-pod.
Even more incredibly, she walked away without injury and
with total recall of the harrowing event.
“It was like falling in slow motion,” she said the next
morning to her sister, Bertha, who slept through the terrifying ordeal on the
bottom bunk. “I just feel lucky to be alive.”
Upon hearing of her alarming calamity, her friends offered
condolences and comments, such as: “What are bunk beds?”, “I didn’t even know
you had boobs!”, and “That grumpy cat picture was really funny.”
Academy of
Motion Pictures announce Host for next Oscar
(Hollywood, CA) Seth McFarlane’s performance at this year’s
Oscar showcase has been highly criticized by such Hollywood luminaries as Kat
Von D, Carrot Top, and the guy in those AT&T commercials where the children
say funny stuff and he just raptly pays attention. While Mr. McFarlane was a
refreshing breath of air in a recently dry celebration the Motion Picture
Academy has already reached out to another emcee to be next year’s host.
Said Academy President Tom Sherak, “We at the Academy are
pleased to announce that we have left a message in a time capsule to be opened
in the year 2136 by Captain James T. Kirk asking if he would host our Oscar
Awards Show in February, 2014. We were inspired by his love of the movies, so
much that he travelled through time to assist Mr. McFarlane, that we just felt
it was the right thing to do. We hope that he can catch yet another gravitic
parabola capable of slingshotting him around a star to create a temporal
wormhole to give us a hand in this, our greatest hour of need.”
Advertisement
North Korea
acts provocatively. Again.
(Pyongyang) – North Korean Great Leader Kim Jung-un has
announced that North Korea is no longer recognizing the various non-aggression
treaty’s signed since the end of the military action on the peninsula in the
1950’s. When told that he could not push troops into the demilitarized zone
without international condemnation because of the existing non-aggression
treaty’s Mr. Kim was quoted as saying, “What are those?” He has urged his
nation to “be ready to annihilate the enemy.”
There is speculation in Washington that North Korea’s
success in the field of nuclear missiles is giving them a boost in national
pride while still others pose that the Great Leader is suffering from the
latent effects of DRS (Dennis Rodman Syndrome) which he likely contracted
during the former basketball player, actor, rapper, cross dresser, body
piercer, hair dyer, and Carmen Electra boy toy’s recent visit.
DRS is well known to cause the victim to develop an enormous
sense of self entitlement and overblown , egotistical view that the world is their
playground due to success at a high level within any given profession even
though said success was actually the direct result of the efforts of other
people and not of the victim.
Kim Jung-un was a prime candidate for DRS due to his innate
ability to inherit the entire country of North Korea. His greatness is the
result of just about everyone in the Kim family that came before him including
the family cat that once ate a rat that was suspiciously eyeing the very young
Mr. Kim while he napped in a bassinette.
Says Dr. William Sparselymann, expert on the Dennis Rodman
Syndrome, “Only a very rigorous slap across the face will snap the victim out
of it.” However, after the first North Korean doctor’s attempt at this and his
immediate execution coupled with the sudden, mysterious deaths of every single
relative including twelfth cousins and a Rhesus Monkey that the doctor once fed
on a visit to the Pyongyang Zoo as a child, no other doctor has tried
treatment.
When asked by the State Department for his opinion on the
great Leader’s provocative action Mr. Rodman responded, “’Cuz he’s messed up,
man. Kept callin’ me ‘Barack’ the whole time.”
Local Man
Experiences Full Range of Emotions
Tunkhannock, PA – Local man William “Willie” Farmingham has
been living a secret life for 36 years. For fear of being ostracized by friends
and an ultra-conservative Father in this mostly historically religious town
caused him to bury who he really was inside, deeply hidden away from even the
most intimate of friends.
“I thought he was a normal guy, you know,” says childhood
friend Fred Milner. “I never expected this revelation. I just don’t want to
think about it at all. It makes me angry.”
“He seemed just like the rest of us,” agreed another friend,
Joe Banampolis, “so I’m finding it very difficult to process now. I’m trying
not to lash out because I feel so betrayed.”
“You think you know someone,” added Clay Pitnany, “and then
something like this comes out, man it just shakes up everything you thought you
knew, you know!”
Mr. Farmingham accompanied his then girlfriend, Sally
Catchings, to The Dietrich Theater in Tunkhannock on November 16, 2012 where he
treated her to a movie that she wanted to see, ‘Silver Linings Playbook’,
instead of taking her to see ‘Jack Reacher’ that he really wanted to see.
Little did he know that that single unselfish decision would turn his world
upside down.
“Okay, so I cried at the end,” Mr. Farmingham told this
reporter of the event. “That movie took me through the whole gamut of human
emotion and I lost it at the end in a moment of weakness. One tear! It was just
one tear. That does not make me less of a man. Does it?”
Miss Catchings is despondent. “I was just so moved by the
fact that a man could experience joy and sorrow and hope and renewal at all,
let alone within such a limited timeframe. I was in uncharted territory. I
didn’t know a man could experience anything other than anger and jealousy,
honestly, so I told my friend Lisa about it trying to make sense of it. Next
thing I know Willie calls me and breaks up with me. Says I ‘outed’ him. I
didn’t know there was a code!”
“I knew early on that I was different,” Mr. Farmingham admits.
“When I was 12 I found my eyes were wet after seeing ‘Ole Yeller’ die. My
Mother saw it and quickly whisked me away so my Father wouldn’t see. Told me a
man doesn’t cry except at a funeral, maybe, and to never let anyone, especially
Dad, see me cry again. When Dad passed away in 1981 I made him proud and didn’t
even sniffle once. Thank God he’s not here now to see what I’ve done to my
life!
“So I buried it. I thought I had it under control when I
managed to choke it back when Spock died in ‘Star Trek II : Wrath of Khan’ and
I avoided movies like ‘The Notebook’ like the plague. But I risked it for
Sally. I risked it just once, for her, and she told. She told, man! I can’t
forgive that.”
While there are no signs of thawing between Mr. Farmingham
and his ex-girlfriend, there are signs that his friends are considering giving
him a second chance.
“Honestly,” says Fred Milner, “I think I understand where
he’s coming from. I mean, I had a lump in my throat when Darth Vader gave his
life to save Luke from the Emperor. I don’t know, maybe it wouldn’t have taken
much to just let go then. I’m just not sure. Guys don’t cry, right? I mean,
isn’t that the code that can’t be broken? If it can, then this whole crazy
world just doesn’t make any sense.”
Mr. Farmingham is continuing his recovery in therapy.
