Tuesday, April 2, 2013

FARCE Magazine Issue 30, Week of April 1, 2013

Comics

Moxie  by Shawn Raymond

Political Comics
Moxie Politick   by Shawn Raymond





Humor

True Family Story
2 Out of 3 Ain't Bad

Years ago, when my daughters were only in their single digits, we were playing a little basketball. I have to admit that those two little girls were running me ragged and I complained that "I'm getting to fat, old, and slow!"

My oldest daughter commented, "Oh, Dad. You're not old."

Evidently, however, she agreed that I was fat and slow!






FARCE News
((AP)) Asocial Press

Teenager Falls from Top Bunk. Grateful to be Alive.
(Wyalusing, PA)-Thirteen year old Morgan Maraine of Waxatawny, PA went to bed last Tuesday evening like any other American teenager, an i-pod in hand and with no plan to sleep until at least 3 a.m. or until all her Instagram friends ‘like’ that picture of her (with her arms squeezing her breasts to create faux-cleavage) at least 1,000 times. However, it wasn’t long before she needed to plug her i-pod into a wall outlet charger four feet below her second tier bunk bed. She leaned over the end of the bunk and carefully reached down. The i-pod screen suddenly lit up, momentarily distracting her from her task, causing her to look away and, unwittingly, to overextend her balance even as she smiled at a picture of that grumpy cat with a cute caption. 

She plummeted the remaining 18 inches like a wet sack of cement, splaying onto the floor.
Incredibly, she held on to her i-pod.

Even more incredibly, she walked away without injury and with total recall of the harrowing event.

“It was like falling in slow motion,” she said the next morning to her sister, Bertha, who slept through the terrifying ordeal on the bottom bunk. “I just feel lucky to be alive.”

Upon hearing of her alarming calamity, her friends offered condolences and comments, such as: “What are bunk beds?”, “I didn’t even know you had boobs!”, and “That grumpy cat picture was really funny.”


Academy of Motion Pictures announce Host for next Oscar
(Hollywood, CA) Seth McFarlane’s performance at this year’s Oscar showcase has been highly criticized by such Hollywood luminaries as Kat Von D, Carrot Top, and the guy in those AT&T commercials where the children say funny stuff and he just raptly pays attention. While Mr. McFarlane was a refreshing breath of air in a recently dry celebration the Motion Picture Academy has already reached out to another emcee to be next year’s host.

Said Academy President Tom Sherak, “We at the Academy are pleased to announce that we have left a message in a time capsule to be opened in the year 2136 by Captain James T. Kirk asking if he would host our Oscar Awards Show in February, 2014. We were inspired by his love of the movies, so much that he travelled through time to assist Mr. McFarlane, that we just felt it was the right thing to do. We hope that he can catch yet another gravitic parabola capable of slingshotting him around a star to create a temporal wormhole to give us a hand in this, our greatest hour of need.”


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North Korea acts provocatively. Again.
(Pyongyang) – North Korean Great Leader Kim Jung-un has announced that North Korea is no longer recognizing the various non-aggression treaty’s signed since the end of the military action on the peninsula in the 1950’s. When told that he could not push troops into the demilitarized zone without international condemnation because of the existing non-aggression treaty’s Mr. Kim was quoted as saying, “What are those?” He has urged his nation to “be ready to annihilate the enemy.”

There is speculation in Washington that North Korea’s success in the field of nuclear missiles is giving them a boost in national pride while still others pose that the Great Leader is suffering from the latent effects of DRS (Dennis Rodman Syndrome) which he likely contracted during the former basketball player, actor, rapper, cross dresser, body piercer, hair dyer, and Carmen Electra boy toy’s recent visit.

DRS is well known to cause the victim to develop an enormous sense of self entitlement and overblown , egotistical view that the world is their playground due to success at a high level within any given profession even though said success was actually the direct result of the efforts of other people and not of the victim.

Kim Jung-un was a prime candidate for DRS due to his innate ability to inherit the entire country of North Korea. His greatness is the result of just about everyone in the Kim family that came before him including the family cat that once ate a rat that was suspiciously eyeing the very young Mr. Kim while he napped in a bassinette. 

Says Dr. William Sparselymann, expert on the Dennis Rodman Syndrome, “Only a very rigorous slap across the face will snap the victim out of it.” However, after the first North Korean doctor’s attempt at this and his immediate execution coupled with the sudden, mysterious deaths of every single relative including twelfth cousins and a Rhesus Monkey that the doctor once fed on a visit to the Pyongyang Zoo as a child, no other doctor has tried treatment.

When asked by the State Department for his opinion on the great Leader’s provocative action Mr. Rodman responded, “’Cuz he’s messed up, man. Kept callin’ me ‘Barack’ the whole time.”

Local Man Experiences Full Range of Emotions
Tunkhannock, PA – Local man William “Willie” Farmingham has been living a secret life for 36 years. For fear of being ostracized by friends and an ultra-conservative Father in this mostly historically religious town caused him to bury who he really was inside, deeply hidden away from even the most intimate of friends.

“I thought he was a normal guy, you know,” says childhood friend Fred Milner. “I never expected this revelation. I just don’t want to think about it at all. It makes me angry.”

“He seemed just like the rest of us,” agreed another friend, Joe Banampolis, “so I’m finding it very difficult to process now. I’m trying not to lash out because I feel so betrayed.”

“You think you know someone,” added Clay Pitnany, “and then something like this comes out, man it just shakes up everything you thought you knew, you know!”

Mr. Farmingham accompanied his then girlfriend, Sally Catchings, to The Dietrich Theater in Tunkhannock on November 16, 2012 where he treated her to a movie that she wanted to see, ‘Silver Linings Playbook’, instead of taking her to see ‘Jack Reacher’ that he really wanted to see. Little did he know that that single unselfish decision would turn his world upside down.

“Okay, so I cried at the end,” Mr. Farmingham told this reporter of the event. “That movie took me through the whole gamut of human emotion and I lost it at the end in a moment of weakness. One tear! It was just one tear. That does not make me less of a man. Does it?”

Miss Catchings is despondent. “I was just so moved by the fact that a man could experience joy and sorrow and hope and renewal at all, let alone within such a limited timeframe. I was in uncharted territory. I didn’t know a man could experience anything other than anger and jealousy, honestly, so I told my friend Lisa about it trying to make sense of it. Next thing I know Willie calls me and breaks up with me. Says I ‘outed’ him. I didn’t know there was a code!”

“I knew early on that I was different,” Mr. Farmingham admits. “When I was 12 I found my eyes were wet after seeing ‘Ole Yeller’ die. My Mother saw it and quickly whisked me away so my Father wouldn’t see. Told me a man doesn’t cry except at a funeral, maybe, and to never let anyone, especially Dad, see me cry again. When Dad passed away in 1981 I made him proud and didn’t even sniffle once. Thank God he’s not here now to see what I’ve done to my life!

“So I buried it. I thought I had it under control when I managed to choke it back when Spock died in ‘Star Trek II : Wrath of Khan’ and I avoided movies like ‘The Notebook’ like the plague. But I risked it for Sally. I risked it just once, for her, and she told. She told, man! I can’t forgive that.”

While there are no signs of thawing between Mr. Farmingham and his ex-girlfriend, there are signs that his friends are considering giving him a second chance.

“Honestly,” says Fred Milner, “I think I understand where he’s coming from. I mean, I had a lump in my throat when Darth Vader gave his life to save Luke from the Emperor. I don’t know, maybe it wouldn’t have taken much to just let go then. I’m just not sure. Guys don’t cry, right? I mean, isn’t that the code that can’t be broken? If it can, then this whole crazy world just doesn’t make any sense.”

Mr. Farmingham is continuing his recovery in therapy.

FARCE-A Family Humor Magazine is free because, simply put, no one in their right minds would actually shell out cash for this nonsense! We are, however, looking for new cartoonists and humor writers who would like to contribute their creativity. Please contact the editor at farcemagazine@gmail.com.

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