COMICS
MOXIE by Shawn Raymond
MOXIE Politick by Shawn Raymond
Humor
FARCE News
From the Asocial Press ((AP))
Armstrong’s Duping
Oprah Winfrey’s startling interview with Lance Armstrong,
the7 time winner of the Tour de France, revealed the depths of the man’s flawed
character. Her gentle probing brought Mr. Armstrong to the brink of tears until
he couldn’t go on any further. After a guilt ridden sobbing episode he said it
was too painful to relive all the lies that he has told regarding his illegal
doping and asked Oprah, “Can we please move on to how I duped Monti T’eo?”
Science
Proves Time
Bree University, in Earnslaw, New Zealand, and it’s
Department of Theoretical Temporal
Displacement and Augmentation Analysis staff, have finished their one day study
by concluding that yes, indeed, yesterday actually did exist.
Experiments conducted this morning yielded little more than
encouraging clues that the researchers were on track. However, “This afternoon I came into the lab,” says Dr. Bolbi Basingg,
“and there was a cardboard coffee cup from Starbucks on my desk. And there was
the proof. Just like that I remembered getting that cup yesterday.” Mr. Basinng
laughed excitedly. “Not today, as the yesterday naysayers proclaim, but an
actual memory event from a day gone by! Do you know what that means? It means
that I way overpaid for coffee yesterday and it begs the question ‘Did I way overpay
for coffee the day before that and the day before that?’ and so on. One
question has been answered, but so many more have risen.”
Another group of researchers at the University of Mirkwood,
separated from Bree University by a deep and ancient forest, has used this new
evidence to proceed with a request for funding a 38 million dollar research
endeavor in which they will strive to find the answer to the still unnerving
question of whether the sun will come out tomorrow.
McCarthy
–vs- Bateman
Jason Bateman and Melissa McCarthy star in the upcoming
movie “Identity Thief” opening February 8, 2013. Although the two stars are now
close friends they actually came to blows during a scene in which McCarthy’s
character punches Bateman’s character in the throat. Unfortunately, when the
time came for the punch scene shoot, McCarthy extended her fist higher to
compensate for her short height at the same time that Bateman bent slightly at
the knees to compensate for her short height also. As a result McCarthy punched
Bateman in the nose, bloodying it and sending him onto the hood of his car.
The normally unflappable Bateman lost his cool and slapped
McCarthy while screaming, “You want a piece of this? You want a piece of this?
When I signed on for this movie I thought I was starring with Jenny McCarthy!”
Witnesses say that McCarthy then caught Bateman and body
slammed the actor onto the pavement, kicked him in the crotch, and sat on his
head to let loose a long, sour blast of gas from her bowel while shouting, “You
don’t want any of this!”
Crew members would have rescued Bateman sooner but the
gas was too overpowering and medics later had to administer oxygen to several
people, including Bateman.
After months of apologies, and therapy, the two are good
friends again. “It’s just now,” Bateman says, “when we do another movie
together I’ll make sure she has a supply of Gas-X in her trailer!”
Governor’s
Nightmares
PA Governor Tom Corbett, as reported by unnamed sources, has
had a difficult time sleeping due to nightmares. According to sources the
Governor dreams that a golden colored ex-Penn State Nittany Lions coach Joe
Paterno hovers outside his window each night moaning things like, “You’ve
ruined your chances of re-election” and “You’re shirts are too tight around
your fat neck”.
Rumors that Penn State students have stolen the Joe Paterno
statue (that used to grace the campus in front of Beaver Stadium) as well as
heavy ropes and rigging and a crane remain unconfirmed and there seems to be no
connection with the Governor’s nightmares. At all.
FARCE Magazine is seeking non-syndicated humor material to add as content on this site. Please contact the Editor at farcemagazine@gmail.com.
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