Moxie by Shawn Raymond
Political Comics
Moxie Politick by Shawn Raymond
Humor
When It Comes to Teenagers, Take What You Can Get by Shawn Raymond
I came downstairs to watch a little TV and found my 16 year
old daughter sitting on the sofa so I sat beside her. She looked at me over her
glasses like a little old librarian about to chew out a small child for talking
too loudly.
“What are you doing?” she asked coolly.
I smiled sweetly and answered, “Sitting with you.”
“Why?”
“Because I love you. A Dad wants to sit near his kids once
in a while.”
Her eyes rolled dramatically.
“What?” I knew I shouldn’t, but I continued anyway with the
question that parents dread asking their teenage children. “Don’t you love me?”
She smiled and I thought that perhaps I had touched on
something deep inside her, some connection that reminded her that she is in
this world because of me and her mother; a connection made from love and I
imagined that she was about to say that she loved me.
“I’d love you a whole lot more if you’d sit over there,” she
said indicating a chair across the room.
Not exactly what I was imagining, but I’ll take it.
___________________________________________________________________________________
FARCE News
((AP)) Asocial Press
Pope Quits!
VATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict
shocked the world on Monday by saying that he no longer had the mental and
physical strength to cope with the Papacy, in an announcement that surprised even
his aides. This move will make him the first Pontiff to step down since the
Middle Ages.
The Pope told the Cardinals that in order to govern
"...both strength of mind and body are necessary, strength which in the
last few months, has deteriorated in me to the extent that I have had to
recognize my incapacity to adequately fulfill the ministry entrusted to me.
Therefore, I will abdicate my Papal Office to pursue my dream of managing a
German grunge band.”
There is no indication of which
grunge band he wishes to manage although his i-pod reportedly contains
arrangements from Second Coming and Inferno’s Keep.
USPS New
Direction
The United States Postal Service, in looking for new ways to
raise revenue, will introduce a clothing line with new clothing technology. “This
breakthrough technology has saved many a mail carrier over the years,” says
clothing expert Anna Karan, “ and I think the public will benefit from this
advance as well.”
With the introduction of their
upcoming apparel line entitled ‘Polyester Blues’ the USPS will present advances that include UCT (‘unsniffable crotch
technology’) that masks human ‘butt scent’ thus eliminating those embarrassing
moments with the neighbor’s dog.
Getting
Tough with China
The U.S. is getting tough with China after receiving a
report from a technology security firm that reveals that China’s government is
using all of its resources to hack into major corporation’s mainframes to steal
their secrets. Such companies as Apple, Google, Facebook, Amazon, The New York
Times and Dunder-Mifflin have been attacked recently. Sources say that the
Chinese are desperately searching for ways to gain entry into the computers at
Spacely Space Sprockets.
The White House has issued a
statement saying firmly that China will face a fine. This, reportedly, comes
upon the heels of a meeting with the President when he was informed of China’s
illegal activity whereupon he replied, “Fine. Can we order take out?”
Pistrious
Case Twist
Oscar Pistorius' murder case took a sensational twist
Thursday when it was revealed that the chief investigator who analyzed the
scene of Reeva Steenkamp's fatal shooting faces seven counts of attempted
murder charges himself.
Hilton Botha was
allegedly one of three drunk police officers who opened fire on a mini-bus taxi
full of passengers in 2011, according to South Africa's Eyewitness News. The
other two officers were killed under mysterious circumstances. First, Greedo
was shot to death in a seedy bar and some say Han Solo shot first. Then, later,
Bobba Fett disappeared while performing a ‘moon-lighting’ security gig for a
fat cat out in the desert.
Mr. Botha has been removed from
his duties as the investigation continues.
McBorsh
Coming to McDonalds?
McDonalds is expanding its holdings within mother Russia
with plans to open 150 new restaurants within the next three years with
traditional Russian foods finding their way onto the menu, such as the McBorsh
Meal (Beet Soup with fish pieces)and the McVodka Shake.
"Beyond the Urals, we are interested in Western and
Eastern Siberia, and we are also considering franchising out restaurants in
(Russia's western) enclave of Kaliningrad," Russia CEO Khamzat Khasbulatov
told a news conference. “But the clown is not coming. Ronald McDonald is not to
set his giant red feet in Russia. This is a bleak place and happiness in not
allowed.”
_________________________________________________________________________________Is Taylor Swift the Worst Ex-Girlfriend Ever?
A recent poll asked the question,
‘Is Taylor Swift the worst ex-girlfriend ever?”
The poll, with data collected from over 3 million men ages 18 to 75 from
across all social and economic demographics, was conducted over a period of
three days using all of today’s social media platforms including e-mail as well
as telephone calling. The answer was a resounding ‘Yes’.“ This was the largest scale poll I’ve ever
been involved with,” says Viv Everly, director of SoGMAL (Someone Get Me A
Latte)Polling, “and I have never seen a poll get exactly a 100% return. That
means we polled 3 million people and all 3 million people actually answered.
That’s just dumbfounding, staggering in its enormity.”
A normal poll receives generally 35% to 40%
response from the total number polled so realistically the poll should have garnered
no more than 1.2 million responses, and that would have been big, but to reach
100% must say a lot about the subject matter.
“One guy said that if he had just
three days to be her boyfriend that he’d do it anyway, knowing full well that
she’s a Black Widow type just looking for material to further her success,
because it would be three days of pure bliss. In fact,” Ms. Everly said, “they
all pretty much said the same thing. It actually makes me sick just thinking
about how shallow these men are. What am I saying? Of course they’d say that
since all men are shallow. A pretty face, a little talent, a smoking hot
bod…wait…are you still recording?”
Bachelor Bigamy!
In a stunning twist on NBC’s ‘The Bachelor’ Shawn Lowe
discovers a way to avoid the approaching heartache of having to send one of the
three remaining stunning, world-class hotties home.
While walking through a
bazaar in a remote section of Thailand he
had a quiet discussion with a gnarled old woman named Gretta. Evidently the
woman told Sean of an age old tradition in the local mountains of men taking
more than one wife. So that is what he was thinking about the entire week after
being so effected by a tearful farewell last week when Lauren did not receive a
rose and cried, “Why does this always happen to me? Every time I try to win a
game show husband I lose. Why?”
The Rose Ceremony consisted of Sean throwing the roses on
the ground, pushing host Chris
Harrison to the ground, grabbing the
hands of all three girls and running with them in tow out the door and into the
darkness. Locals, all of them wearing great big grins and knowing looks, say
that they witnessed a white man and three stunning, world-class hotties racing
into the forested mountains.
Says host Chris Harrison, “Frankly, I’m surprised no one’s
tried this before!”
FARCE Magazine is a free humor magazine because, let's face it, nobody's going to pay for this crap!
However, we are looking for new, non-syndicated artists and humor writers who would like to become FARCE Magazine contributors. Contact the editor at farcemagazine@gmail.com .
