FARCE Magazine Issue 29 Week of March 1, 2013

Comics

Moxie by Shawn Raymond

Political Comics
Moxie Politick   by Shawn Raymond

Humor

When It Comes to Teenagers, Take What You  Can Get  by Shawn Raymond

I came downstairs to watch a little TV and found my 16 year old daughter sitting on the sofa so I sat beside her. She looked at me over her glasses like a little old librarian about to chew out a small child for talking too loudly.

“What are you doing?” she asked coolly.

I smiled sweetly and answered, “Sitting with you.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you. A Dad wants to sit near his kids once in a while.”

Her eyes rolled dramatically. 

“What?” I knew I shouldn’t, but I continued anyway with the question that parents dread asking their teenage children. “Don’t you love me?”

She smiled and I thought that perhaps I had touched on something deep inside her, some connection that reminded her that she is in this world because of me and her mother; a connection made from love and I imagined that she was about to say that she loved me.

“I’d love you a whole lot more if you’d sit over there,” she said indicating a chair across the room.

Not exactly what I was imagining, but I’ll take it.

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FARCE News
((AP))  Asocial Press

Pope Quits!

VATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict shocked the world on Monday by saying that he no longer had the mental and physical strength to cope with the Papacy, in an announcement that surprised even his aides. This move will make him the first Pontiff to step down since the Middle Ages.

The Pope told the Cardinals that in order to govern "...both strength of mind and body are necessary, strength which in the last few months, has deteriorated in me to the extent that I have had to recognize my incapacity to adequately fulfill the ministry entrusted to me. Therefore, I will abdicate my Papal Office to pursue my dream of managing a German grunge band.”

There is no indication of which grunge band he wishes to manage although his i-pod reportedly contains arrangements from Second Coming and Inferno’s Keep.

USPS New Direction

The United States Postal Service, in looking for new ways to raise revenue, will introduce a clothing line with new clothing technology. “This breakthrough technology has saved many a mail carrier over the years,” says clothing expert Anna Karan, “ and I think the public will benefit from this advance as well.”

With the introduction of their upcoming apparel line entitled ‘Polyester Blues’ the USPS will present advances that include UCT (‘unsniffable crotch technology’) that masks human ‘butt scent’ thus eliminating those embarrassing moments with the neighbor’s dog.

Getting Tough with China

The U.S. is getting tough with China after receiving a report from a technology security firm that reveals that China’s government is using all of its resources to hack into major corporation’s mainframes to steal their secrets. Such companies as Apple, Google, Facebook, Amazon, The New York Times and Dunder-Mifflin have been attacked recently. Sources say that the Chinese are desperately searching for ways to gain entry into the computers at Spacely Space Sprockets. 

The White House has issued a statement saying firmly that China will face a fine. This, reportedly, comes upon the heels of a meeting with the President when he was informed of China’s illegal activity whereupon he replied, “Fine. Can we order take out?”

Pistrious Case Twist

Oscar Pistorius' murder case took a sensational twist Thursday when it was revealed that the chief investigator who analyzed the scene of Reeva Steenkamp's fatal shooting faces seven counts of attempted murder charges himself.

Hilton Botha  was allegedly one of three drunk police officers who opened fire on a mini-bus taxi full of passengers in 2011, according to South Africa's Eyewitness News. The other two officers were killed under mysterious circumstances. First, Greedo was shot to death in a seedy bar and some say Han Solo shot first. Then, later, Bobba Fett disappeared while performing a ‘moon-lighting’ security gig for a fat cat out in the desert.

Mr. Botha has been removed from his duties as the investigation continues.

McBorsh Coming to McDonalds?

McDonalds is expanding its holdings within mother Russia with plans to open 150 new restaurants within the next three years with traditional Russian foods finding their way onto the menu, such as the McBorsh Meal (Beet Soup with fish pieces)and the McVodka Shake. 

"Beyond the Urals, we are interested in Western and Eastern Siberia, and we are also considering franchising out restaurants in (Russia's western) enclave of Kaliningrad," Russia CEO Khamzat Khasbulatov told a news conference. “But the clown is not coming. Ronald McDonald is not to set his giant red feet in Russia. This is a bleak place and happiness in not allowed.”

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Is Taylor Swift the Worst Ex-Girlfriend Ever?

A recent poll asked the question, ‘Is Taylor Swift the worst ex-girlfriend ever?”  The poll, with data collected from over 3 million men ages 18 to 75 from across all social and economic demographics, was conducted over a period of three days using all of today’s social media platforms including e-mail as well as telephone calling. The answer was a resounding ‘Yes’.“  This was the largest scale poll I’ve ever been involved with,” says Viv Everly, director of SoGMAL (Someone Get Me A Latte)Polling, “and I have never seen a poll get exactly a 100% return. That means we polled 3 million people and all 3 million people actually answered. That’s just dumbfounding, staggering in its enormity.”

 A normal poll receives generally 35% to 40% response from the total number polled so realistically the poll should have garnered no more than 1.2 million responses, and that would have been big, but to reach 100% must say a lot about the subject matter.

“One guy said that if he had just three days to be her boyfriend that he’d do it anyway, knowing full well that she’s a Black Widow type just looking for material to further her success, because it would be three days of pure bliss. In fact,” Ms. Everly said, “they all pretty much said the same thing. It actually makes me sick just thinking about how shallow these men are. What am I saying? Of course they’d say that since all men are shallow. A pretty face, a little talent, a smoking hot bod…wait…are you still recording?”

Bachelor Bigamy!

In a stunning twist on NBC’s ‘The Bachelor’ Shawn Lowe discovers a way to avoid the approaching heartache of having to send one of the three remaining stunning, world-class hotties home.

While walking through a bazaar in a remote section of Thailand he had a quiet discussion with a gnarled old woman named Gretta. Evidently the woman told Sean of an age old tradition in the local mountains of men taking more than one wife. So that is what he was thinking about the entire week after being so effected by a tearful farewell last week when Lauren did not receive a rose and cried, “Why does this always happen to me? Every time I try to win a game show husband I lose. Why?”

The Rose Ceremony consisted of Sean throwing the roses on the ground, pushing host  Chris Harrison    to the ground, grabbing the hands of all three girls and running with them in tow out the door and into the darkness. Locals, all of them wearing great big grins and knowing looks, say that they witnessed a white man and three stunning, world-class hotties racing into the forested mountains.

Says host Chris Harrison, “Frankly, I’m surprised no one’s tried this before!”

 FARCE Magazine is a free humor magazine because, let's face it, nobody's going to pay for this crap!

However, we are looking for new, non-syndicated artists and humor writers who would like to become FARCE Magazine contributors. Contact the editor at farcemagazine@gmail.com .

Edition 28 Week of Feb. 5, 2013

COMICS

MOXIE    by Shawn Raymond

 

MOXIE Politick    by Shawn Raymond

Humor

FARCE News

From the Asocial Press ((AP))

Armstrong’s Duping

Oprah Winfrey’s startling interview with Lance Armstrong, the7 time winner of the Tour de France, revealed the depths of the man’s flawed character. Her gentle probing brought Mr. Armstrong to the brink of tears until he couldn’t go on any further. After a guilt ridden sobbing episode he said it was too painful to relive all the lies that he has told regarding his illegal doping and asked Oprah, “Can we please move on to how I duped Monti T’eo?”

Science Proves Time

Bree University, in Earnslaw, New Zealand, and it’s Department of Theoretical  Temporal Displacement and Augmentation Analysis staff, have finished their one day study by concluding that yes, indeed, yesterday actually did exist. 

Experiments conducted this morning yielded little more than encouraging clues that the researchers were on track. However, “This afternoon  I came into the lab,” says Dr. Bolbi Basingg, “and there was a cardboard coffee cup from Starbucks on my desk. And there was the proof. Just like that I remembered getting that cup yesterday.” Mr. Basinng laughed excitedly. “Not today, as the yesterday naysayers proclaim, but an actual memory event from a day gone by! Do you know what that means? It means that I way overpaid for coffee yesterday and it begs the question ‘Did I way overpay for coffee the day before that and the day before that?’ and so on. One question has been answered, but so many more have risen.”

Another group of researchers at the University of Mirkwood, separated from Bree University by a deep and ancient forest, has used this new evidence to proceed with a request for funding a 38 million dollar research endeavor in which they will strive to find the answer to the still unnerving question of whether the sun will come out tomorrow.

McCarthy –vs- Bateman

Jason Bateman and Melissa McCarthy star in the upcoming movie “Identity Thief” opening February 8, 2013. Although the two stars are now close friends they actually came to blows during a scene in which McCarthy’s character punches Bateman’s character in the throat. Unfortunately, when the time came for the punch scene shoot, McCarthy extended her fist higher to compensate for her short height at the same time that Bateman bent slightly at the knees to compensate for her short height also. As a result McCarthy punched Bateman in the nose, bloodying it and sending him onto the hood of his car. 

The normally unflappable Bateman lost his cool and slapped McCarthy while screaming, “You want a piece of this? You want a piece of this? When I signed on for this movie I thought I was starring with Jenny McCarthy!”

Witnesses say that McCarthy then caught Bateman and body slammed the actor onto the pavement, kicked him in the crotch, and sat on his head to let loose a long, sour blast of gas from her bowel while shouting, “You don’t want any of this!” 

Crew members would have rescued Bateman sooner but the gas was too overpowering and medics later had to administer oxygen to several people, including Bateman.

After months of apologies, and therapy, the two are good friends again. “It’s just now,” Bateman says, “when we do another movie together I’ll make sure she has a supply of Gas-X in her trailer!”

Governor’s Nightmares

PA Governor Tom Corbett, as reported by unnamed sources, has had a difficult time sleeping due to nightmares. According to sources the Governor dreams that a golden colored ex-Penn State Nittany Lions coach Joe Paterno hovers outside his window each night moaning things like, “You’ve ruined your chances of re-election” and “You’re shirts are too tight around your fat neck”.

Rumors that Penn State students have stolen the Joe Paterno statue (that used to grace the campus in front of Beaver Stadium) as well as heavy ropes and rigging and a crane remain unconfirmed and there seems to be no connection with the Governor’s nightmares. At all.

 FARCE Magazine is seeking non-syndicated humor material to add as content on this site. Please contact the Editor at farcemagazine@gmail.com.

FARCE Magazine Issue 27 January 10, 2013

Comics

'Moxie' by Shawn Raymond

'Moxie POLITICK'  by Shawn Raymond

Humor

A Tribute

My Dad passed away December 22, 2012 and the family gathered around at my home after the burial and we found ourselves reminiscing. What follows is a true story that will always reflect Dad's true nature and his ability to find humor in even the grimmest of times.

15 years ago Dad's kidneys were failing fast. He'd been on dialysis for just under a year when the call came that a donor had been found. Once he was prepped, and the Doctor came in for one last consult before surgery, this conversation occurred:

Dad: "Doc", Dad said quietly, "Will I be able to play piano after this?

The Doctor looked at him reassuringly and replied, "Yes, you will, Jim."

Dad smiled wide and said, "Good. I've always wanted to play piano!"

And we all laughed then and we all laughed when we gathered in his honor last week. Undoubtedly, he laughed as well.



FARCE News
From the Asocial Press ((AP))

North Korean Spy Satellite?
The regime in North Korea successfully launched a long-range missile last week, drawing ire from the rest of the international community, including a condemnation by the U.N. Security Council. The United States called the missile test, ostensibly the launch of a weather satellite, a “highly provocative act.”
Fears that the satellite itself should be considered a new security concern arose yesterday when intelligence intercepts of communications within Pyongyang became public via the internet suggesting that the satellite is actually an intelligence interceptor designed to listen in on sensitive American communication networks. The voices on the recording are of the Great Leader Kim Jung-Un and an unidentified confidante. The transcript follows below.
Confidante: “The satellite is functioning properly, Great Leader.”
Great One: “Oh?.”
Confidante: “There may be a problem, however.”
Great One: “Oh?”
Confidante: “It appears that the Americans have pre-empted our intercepts.”
Great One: “Oh?”
Confidante: “Yes, Great One. The Americans have done the unthinkable.”
Great One: “Oh?”
Confidante: “I am so sorry to disappoint you, Great Leader, but it appears as though  Jersey Shore has been cancelled.”
Great One: “Noooooooooooooo…” ( a great deal of sobbing occurs).
Upon hearing of the North Korean Great Leader’s angst upon hearing of the Jersey Shore cancellation, Snooki said, “That’s so sweet. And I just loved his Gangnam Style video!”
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Best Selling Car Worldwide
The Ford Focus isn’t the best-selling car in America; it’s not even in the Top 10. But around the world, especially in fast-growing markets in Asia, the sporty compact is growing in popularity, so much so that it is about to knock off the venerable Toyota Corolla as the world’s most popular car.
In geographic areas that are remote and inhabited by the world’s most poor Ford will be offering Focus shells on rickshaw frames so that their sales numbers will experience rapid growth throughout all of Asia. Says one rickshaw owner in Saipan, “Very light materials. Very unsafe on highways. Perfect for rickshaw.”
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Worst Baby Name in History

Hashtag Jameson (Yes, that is actually what you think it is!) was born in November and controversy over the naming has streaked across the social networking universe since. "Should it be illegal?" asked one Washington Post columnist of the name choice. "The world is ending," wrote a Buzzfeed blogger.

A trend had started long ago where it seems that all parents are tempted to name their child with a unique name to help them stand out from the crowd. Hashtag’s mother and father, Twitter and Face (middle namer Booker), were concerned that they would not find a more unique name than their actual first choice but were relieved when this ‘even better’ name occurred to them. It is this writer’s opinion that Hashtag is only slightly more stupid as a name than their first choice; Snookie.
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Banned Words List
Each year around this time someone develops a list of overused words and phrases that we are simply sick of hearing and would like to ban them from the English language. "Spoiler alert" is among them. So are "kick the can down the road," ''trending" and "bucket list." Other terms coming in for a literary recall  are "superfood," ''guru," ''job creators" and "double down."

Also included are “ummm” (thanks to the speech President Obama gave during the campaign when his teleprompter suddenly stopped working in the middle of his address), “I have no recollection of that” (thanks to PA Governor Tom Corbett who said it, or a variation of it, over 70 times during 5 hours of questioning on March 11, 2010 while being sued), “Jerry Sandusky”, “the”, “terrycloth”, “responsibility”, and “Mayan Calendar”.

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Mars Discovery
A Science story reported first by National Public Radio last month quoted John Grotzinger (The chief scientist for NASA’s Mars Rover Curiosity) as saying that data recently gathered by Curiosity's Sample Analysis at Mars instrument, or SAM, were “destined for the history books.”

Rumors from within the Mars Research Scientific Community began flying around the Internet that SAM had perhaps detected complex organic compounds indicating the possibility that they had discovered the original Barack Obama birth certificate. However, less dramatically, it was ascertained that the compounds were only the remains of French King Louis XVI stuffed inside a gourd.

The news was met by a public with a ravenous appetite for salacious reality TV and MMA violence with a collective bored sigh.
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FARCE Magazine is seeking non-syndicated cartoons and humor material for content within this blog. Please send queries and submissions to the editor at farcemagazine@gmail.com.

Edition 26 - FARCE Magazine

Comics
Moxie by Shawn Raymond

 

Moxie POLITICK by Shawn Raymond

Humor

Excuse my French

The Minister's three young daughters sang a chorus in church with each verse sung in a different language. I was impressed by this and, after church, asked them if they were taking those languages in school.

"No," the 7 year old answered. "I only know three other words in French."

"Well," I said, "What are they?"

She smiled and proudly answered, "French Toast, French Poodle, and French Fry!"



 FARCE News
 From the Asocial Press ((AP))


Former President Fully Recovered

Former President George W. Bush has undergone intense therapy for the past several months to deal with an issue that plagued him throughout his life and was continuously highlighted throughout his 8 year presidency. Through hard work, persistence, and the unerring ability that he demonstrated every day of his 2 terms in office to trudge through any difficulty, he has persevered and conquered this debilitating condition. He can now clearly enunciate and correctly pronounce the word 'nuclear'.


Snooki Delays Run for Presidency

While preparing for an eventual run for the nations highest office Snooki studied the storied presidential career of former President Ronald Reagan for inspiration since he was a Hollywood Star and she is a Hollywood wannabe so they have a lot in common.

After learning the nature of his Star Wars Defense Plan, however, she had a dramatic change of heart and has now scaled back her presidential ambitions.

Says Snookie, "I was surprised to find out that Ronald Reagan's Star Wars Defense Initiative was, in fact, about missiles and not about training Jedi Knights. I just wouldn't feel safe without them in my Secret Service detail."

Obi-Wan Kenobi was unavailable for comment.


The Tweeting Pope

The pope has a Twitter account. Followers of Pope Benedict will be able to read his 140-character messages under his new handle, @pontifex.

So the whole world will be able to receive and understand his messages the Pope's Tweets will be written in Latin, Enochian (reportedly the Angel dialect), and Tongues.


To be Successful, You must Wear the Right Undergarments, says Kobe Bryant.

Kobe Bryant had seen enough.
Another humiliating loss to another bad team Sunday night had the Lakers co-captain ready to take on the whole team if his teammates don't start getting their games — and attitudes — together.

"Put your big-boy pants on," Kobe said with a trace of disgust in his voice. "By that I mean go to Macy's, buy the Kobe Bryant Boxers (action figure included) for $29.99 which will support some third world child who made them, add to my personal fortune, and make you feel just like I do although they might not cause you to play as hard as I do because I am great and you guys are just mediocre. Except Metta (World Peace). He's pretty good."

Kobe Bryant Boxer sales immediately jumped higher than Pau Gasol ever has.

 FARCE Magazine is looking for non-syndicated cartoonists and writers. Contact the editor at farcemagazine@gmail.com .

Issue 25 FARCE Magazine

Moxie   by Shawn Raymond

 Moxie Politick   by Shawn Raymond

Humor:

Hurricane Sandy caused much destruction and suffering for many people along the East Coast. At my house, we were fortunate in that we only lost power for a day and wind damage was little more than a turned over Adirondack chair.

When my teenage daughter woke up and discovered that we had no power she wasn't very concerned and went straight to her wi-fi enabled i-pod Touch.

This was our conversation:

Daughter: "What's wrong with my stupid i-pod?"

Me : "Because the power is off the wi-fi doesn't work."

Daughter : "What does that have to do with my i-pod? I don't have it plugged in."

Me : "The modem and router need power for you to connect your wireless devices with the internet. No power, no wi-fi."

Daughter : "Uuuuugh! Now what are we gonna do?"

Me : "We could talk, or play a board game, or read a book, or, hey, where are you going?"

Daughter : "I'm gonna call my friends," she said picking up the cordless phone.

Me : "That won't work either."

Daughter : "But, it's not plugged in!"

Me : "The base needs power for the cordless to work."

Daughter : "Then I'll use your cellphone."

Me : 'Sorry, the battery's almost depleted. We need to conserve it for emergency."

Daughter : "This is an emergency. Without that phone I'll have to talk with you!"

And that clearly defines a parents relationship with today's modern teenager.





High Water   by Shawn Raymond
Let me just say right now that I am well known among friends and family to have an eclectic amusement threshold.  It is an affliction that my wife would sincerely like me to be cured of, but since I am 47 and still maintain the humor of a 7 year old, that seems quite unlikely to happen any time soon. I’m amused by anything from babies laughing to toilet humor.  So, consider that a warning and take time now to consider your options.

Option 1: Continue to read and risk the depths of odd humor being even deeper than you think you’re prepared for.

Option 2: Discontinue reading and forever wonder about the resulting hole in your life that may never be filled should you not continue.

Option 3: Cure cancer.

Yes, these are your only options. Certainly the third option is by far the most desirable, yet I find myself doubting that if you’re still reading this you’re actually smart enough to pull it off. No offense, but, really, think about it.

Modern society gives us many reasons to be frightened; nuclear holocaust, flesh-eating bacteria, terrorism, and being stuck in an elevator with a flatulent fat man. Still, I recently encountered an event that may well rank far ahead of these on the list of worst case scenarios.

Last week I stepped into a public restroom and right about now you’re beginning to wonder if, perhaps, choosing option 1 might not have been such a good idea. Anyway, as I entered to do ‘my business’ I found a row of urinals closest to the door followed by a row of stalls further on that spread out to the far wall which had dark brownish smudges on it. This concerned me as I could not tell if it was feces (there was a baby changing table very close by and from my own experience with my children understand that just about anything can explode from the inside of a baby in the microseconds either after you open the dirty diaper for replacement or just prior to covering the danger zone), dried blood from a murder that the clean-up crew ‘accidentally’ missed(which made me consider exactly how many blind murder scene clean-up technicians are employed by the county), or perhaps fudge. As a defense mechanism my mind always ascribes to the tastiest interpretation and so I chose to believe that it was fudge smudge.

In a public restroom the choice of which urinal to use is basically a no brainer if no one is standing at one already. It’s your playground so feel free. If someone is there it then becomes far more complicated and every man should learn the algorithm used to make a correct choice. The number of urinals available and the location of the urinal being used are just two components to consider. For example, if there are 6 urinals you simply choose the furthest one not being used. Even if urinal number three is being used you can still manage to maintain a 2 urinal distance from the next guy. If urinal three and five are occupied you can neatly step into number one and still maintain a one urinal cushion which is, as public bathroom etiquette dictates, the minimum allowable distance. You never want to step up to a urinal immediately adjacent to one currently being used for reasons that shouldn’t need to be discussed here, especially if there are six urinals and five are unoccupied. That’s just creepy. If there are two urinals, wait. Yes, I know that this defeats the purpose of having a second urinal but I simply consider the second one a back-up in case of mechanical failure, like a generator, or a kitten (in case an older cat dies, which is inevitable, and you won’t be left with that empty nest syndrome and drown in depression).

I, however, had another choice to make because I had to do that which causes a man to sit without the need for a remote control or a sandwich. I was faced with four stalls, all of whose doors were ajar which allowed me to easily identify the cleanest available seat because when it comes to this business cleanest is best and it trumps any spacing etiquette. There’s a wall separating each toilet so a side-by-side is not entirely inappropriate as long as you keep your stance narrow.

Stall four had seen heavy use. Clearly, a circus elephant had used that stall as the toilet was full and the contents looked more solid than liquid. No single human being could possibly produce that much waste in a single sitting unless, perhaps, they were on their way to a colonoscopy. Suddenly I realized that it was not likely fudge smudge on the wall.

Stall three had a cracked seat. Here’s something I learned as a child in rural Pennsylvania on my great aunt’s farm: never sit on a cracked toilet seat. She had no running water in her house so you did your business in an outhouse. Hers had a cracked seat and I can still feel the sting of the pinch on my left leg as I sat down and scooched my bony little butt back into the proper position, my body weight causing the seat to shift. I was deathly frightened of the outhouse with its bees and spiders and my uncle’s jokes about the woodchuck living under the outhouse, so I leaped off the seat and flew out the door while still pulling my underwear and pants over my knees certain that I had been stung, or bitten by that woodchuck, or perhaps even by a rattle snake.

Stall two was acceptable, but it had the disadvantage of being right next to the toilet with the broken seat and the still painful childhood memories (mine, not the toilet’s).

Stall one was just right.

My Theory of Public Restroom Stall Choice is this: most people will hold it until they get home or until their intestines reach critical mass and rupture is imminent. Only the desperate will actually use a public restroom, such as criminals on the run, the violently ill, or, evidently, circus elephants.

Still, if public restrooms are utilized it is an unexplainable phenomenon that draws us to the seat in the back, just like when going to church. Perhaps it is the evolutionary holdover of protecting the clan by moving everyone to the back of the cave when Krulk, the clan idiot, tried to bell the saber tooth cat. So, with stall number one looking okay, I ventured in.

It is an amazing fact that some normally intelligent people will become brain dead after entering a public restroom. They leave their wallets on the sink, or drop their cell phones or fire crackers in the toilet, stand on a toilet to evade police pursuit and break their ankle when they fall in, etc., etc… While I was sitting there, desperately trying to accomplish my business, someone entered and ran to stall four banging the door open. I had a sneaking suspicion that I was in trouble.

Whoever it was that entered must have had no synaptic brain activity because he attempted to flush the toilet in stall four. Almost immediately I heard the sound of water hitting the floor. The guy cursed and ran out. I silently hoped that his intestines ruptured before he found another working toilet.

I bent over and could see the water collecting behind the toilets along the wall and it was rising. I had visions of wet, smelly pants and shoes and having to pass people on my way out. I think I was more concerned with the idea that people would think I was responsible for this fiasco instead of being a victim of it than I was with getting wet. Maybe there was a surveillance camera and a forensics CSI team would track me down at work and embarrass me in front of my co-workers. Names such as ‘Flood Zone’ and ‘Saggy Baggy Wet Pants’ would circulate faster than Snooki at a frat party. I almost wished that the situation was different such as a criminal breaking into my stall to hide from the police instead of the horror of being trapped by rising fecal water. Suddenly, I became the La Maz coach that I should have been for my wife when she delivered our children. Unfortunately, no amount of breathing and pushing was going to get it done in time. The wet slapping sound of circus elephant feces hitting the floor filled me with urgency.

Fortunately, stall number one was on high ground and the water pooled around me while completely covering the floor under the other stalls leaving me high and dry and highly relieved. I escaped unscathed. My fear of public restrooms, however, has exponentially increased and I will never, ever, enter one when the circus is in town.

FARCE Magazine is looking for non-syndicated, amateur, hobbyist cartoonists and humor writers. If interested in having your material published on this blog and the FARCE Magazine website, please, contact the editor at farcemagazine@gmail.com.