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The Birdfeeder by Ben Carlson www.thebirdfeeder.com
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The Sheltered Life by Joel Wilhelm www.theshelteredlife.com
HUMOR
FARCE News
((AP)) Asocial
Press
Free Ride
(MINNEAPOLIS) A
9-year-old runaway went through security, boarded a plane at the
Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport without a ticket and flew to Las Vegas.
Security
officials screened the Minneapolis boy at the airport shortly after 10:30 a.m.
Thursday after he arrived via rail, spokesman for the Metropolitan Airports Commission Patrick Hogan said. The boy then boarded a flight that left for Las Vegas at 11:15 a.m.Dale Brunswick, an airport security TSA agent, when asked how a boy with no ticket could slip through security replied, “Well, he was quite small.”
Also found on the plane was a family of badgers nestled in a first class alcove who also had no tickets. Rumors that Waldo was also on board remain unsubstantiated.
3-D Printing Tech to Aid in Mars Exploration
(Philadelphia) Mars exploration scientists are excited about the potential for 3-D printing on Mars.
Says Daryl Merrellininski of the private venture capital funded Mars-Or-Bust (MOB) exploration team: “Our first human visitors to Mars are in for a rough existence in a very harsh environment and it is critical that we provide them with the absolute best equipment to help ensure their survival. 3-D printing is an exciting advance in technology that provides us the ability to provide adequately for our astronaut’s needs. The first thing that they will want to print in 3-D is a Wal-Mart.”
Reportedly a Red Robin will be printed on the second mission.
Peace Talks Reach Accord in Record Time
(Jerusalem) Israeli and Palestinian negotiators held a new round of talks on Monday, picking up the tempo of their meetings at the request of the United States.
"As the Americans requested, we are upping the tempo of the discussions," says Israeli delegation member Ibram Abba. “And we are delighted to inform the press that we have dispensed with the typical months long process of diplomat-speak and have already gotten right to the issues at hand.”
“Yes,” added Palestinian delegate Sherman Mamoud, “We have reached an accord in barely 8 minutes of discussion wherein we have established that we Palestinians hate the Israeli’s with every fiber of our being and will never live in peace with them.”
“And we, in turn,” Mr. Abba agreed, “hate their guts just as much and will never live in peace with them. These negotiations are officially over. See you next year.”
Both men were pleased as they shook hands and then went to get cappuccino’s.
Question of the Month
“Thank goodness. With all the chaos in the world today the last thing we need is people walking leisurely through the forest!” – Peter Scollettini, Small Fork, Vermont
“It just makes it easier for NASA to keep track of us.” Jon Pahosk, Scranton, PA
“I’m really impressed with the measures that they’ve taken to keep people out. I mean, those orange pylons are very intimidating.” Mary Nivens, Seattle, Washington.
And in conclusion...
Welcome to Joel Wilhelm and thanks for bringing the Sheltered Life to FARCE Magazine. Let's hope it doesn't hurt your career.
Just a reminder to our reader (reports of this mystery person living in New Jersey may not be correct) that FARCE News is not entirely accurate. We're pretty sure that we cannot 3-d print a Wal-Mart. At least not until the licensing agreements are done.
Thanks to the motorcycle enthusiast 'group' in New York that drove erratically around an SUV (at one point in the video you can see at least 7 bikers clustered across three lanes all around the SUV creating an extremely unsafe driving situation) and caused an accident which resulted in scaring the man driving the SUV (who happened to also have his wife and young child with him) enough that he ran over one of your biker friends; because it just may be the most tragic and idiotic events I have ever seen and reaffirms my belief that driving is the single most dangerous activity most of us will ever do and we will do it just about every day and there are some out there that just don't get it. Maybe now you do. Now, excuse me while I step down from this soap box.
Y'all come back now, ya hear?
BR549
