Edition 34 August, 2013
Comics
The Odds by Bill Harvey www.BeholdComics.com
Moxie by Shawn Raymond
Political Comics
Moxie Politick by Shawn Raymond
Question of the Month:
Alex Rodriquez, the New York Yankees third baseman, was recently suspended for next season due to his use of Performance Enhancing Drugs. What do you think?
-“Clearly, MLB got it wrong. Performance enhancing? Has anyone even looked at his stats?” – (Matt Flarunker, New York City)
-“Well, it’s not like he was making crystal meth and selling it to kids. I mean, that would be wrong. Right?” – (Fred Stillgengbergerg, Lime Hill, PA.)
-“Sure, I make a few lousy bets and get banned for life and this little creten gets his patties slapped with a one year ban! One lousy year! Oh, boo-hoo for little A-Rod. I’m crying a river of lousy tears. I thought MLB had guts considering what they did to me, but now I clearly see that they’re gutless, spineless, lousy leaders of a once proud organization. They’re a bunch of lousy…”(rant continues for several more minutes before falling into incoherent babbling and sobbing) – (Pete Rose, Whereabouts Unknown)
FARCE News
((AP)) Asocial Press
North Korean Resolve Falters
North Korea said on Wednesday it was reopening the Kaesong industrial zone jointly run with South Korea just minutes after South Korea signaled its willingness to let it close for good. A copy of a secretly recorded meeting between Great Leader Kim Jung-Il and senior administration officials was leaked to the Asocial Press and a portion of that conversation is transcripted below.
Great Leader : “Let them close it down. What do I care?”
Senior Admin. Official: “We’d lose about 90 million dollars.”
Great Leader : “I care nothing for money.”
Senior Admin. Official : “Our 53,000 workers need those wages.”
Great Leader : “I care nothing for money.”
Senior Admin. Official : “Again, we’d lose about 90 million dollars.”
Great Leader : “I care nothing for money.”
Senior Admin. Official : “It will cripple our already desperate economy.”
Great Leader : “I care nothing for money.”
Senior Admin. Official : “You won’t be able to afford your Direct TV.”
Great Leader : “ Tell them that ‘we hope that a rational solution can be found ... for the normalization of the Kaesong industrial zone and the reunification of our peoples.’ I care nothing of money, but I cannot miss Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo.”
Paula Deen Can’t Figure Out What N-Word Got Her In Trouble
Paula Deen is turning down an offer from ABC’s Dancing with the Stars to appear on the show. Sources close to the TV Chef say that “the dance floor is not the appropriate forum for her as she continues to work on rebuilding her career.”
Her career suffered a huge blow after she admitted to using the ‘N-word’ once during a video tape deposition. She has since seen her show dropped from The Food Network and her reputation has been sullied in the media. A public apology in which she said that she had learned her lesson and would never say the word ‘Nougat’ again did not sway an unforgiving public.
Sources inside the Deen camp say that the Chef frequently is found with a faraway look on her face while she recites lists of words beginning with the letter ‘n’. “Nazi? Bad history but not quite offensive. Nectar? No that can’t be it. Niggardly? No, that’s not quite right either. It’s right there at the tip of my tongue. Neurosis?” A giggle. Then the giggling gives way quickly to wild, maniacal laughter and she sinks deeper into her inner world that can clearly see the end of her celebrity career end.
“It’s so sad, really,” an aid discloses. “Things just haven’t been the same since she went to rehab for her butter addiction.”
Feature Article
What Not to Say at a Job Interview
by Shawn Raymond
Interviewing for a job can be nerve racking and often the prospective employee falters under pressure and says something that really hinders his/her ability to impress the interviewer. Fear not, for a little advance knowledge goes a long way and reviewing this list of ‘Don’ts’ prior to an interview can make the difference in being gainfully employed or living in your mother’s basement indefinitely.
Know what the company does. Telling the interviewer that you’d love to help them make quality condoms when they produce Bibles could, possibly, become a real impediment to them hiring you.
Know how much the job pays. Never, ever, begin an interview by adamantly throwing down the wage gauntlet by announcing, “I need to earn at least enough to pay for my crystal meth habit”, as this calls into question your desire to work, your understanding of money, your reliability, your physical health, your mental health, your feeling of self-worth, your knowledge of exactly what is in crystal meth and, therefore, your common sense and desire to live.
Eliminate profanity of any kind. This is not always true, but the majority of interviewers are immediately set on their heels by conversation littered with nasty language. “Nice to meet you ****ing guys”, or “What’s up B******” might be acceptable within your own social network of low-life scum but is often met with concern for your ability to communicate efficiently. Or to sell Bibles.
Don’t expect perks. Benefits of the job are seldom discussed at the first interview. It is sort of an unwritten rule all over the world. This reduces the expectations that you might have and keeps the company from admitting details of the job that might dissuade you from accepting the job when they offer it to you. For example, you may ask if the company provides free footwear and they would have to reply that, no, the company does not offer free footwear but does allow you to use a hose to clean the chicken crap off of your shoes at the end of the day so your home’s carpets stay clean and fresh.
Do not use slang. The interview is not a casual conversation with friends on a street corner or in a lounge. Calling a former co-worker a skank calls into question your ability to form co-operational relationships required for creative team building. It also says something about your dating habits and judgment. Other questionable terms are ‘loser’, ‘bowser’, ‘freak’, or any term containing the word ‘schnizzle’. This is not an all-inclusive list.
Do not say ‘No’ when asked if you have any questions. Employers want employees that are creative and curious as those are the type of persons that create opportunity and innovation which ultimately leads to market share and profits. At the end of the interview be prepared to ask at least one question based on what you heard or discussed within the confines of the interview. For example, ‘Just how much chicken crap are we talking?”
Do not tell them your life story. Keep a stiff upper lip should they ask what licenses you carry. If you can only respond that you have a marriage license then you simply must not add that your marriage is crumbling because your wife is having an on-line affair with an executive from some scummy chicken farming conglomerate and that if you ever find who the treacherous wife stealer is then you’ll hunt him down and eviscerate him like a slaughtered chicken for making your life such a cesspool of despair.
Remember these tips and your interview should flow nicely and your chances of being hired will be marginally better than your chances of being killed by an asteroid falling from deep space.
Well, that pretty much does it
for this edition. Thanks for tuning in. Come back next time when Timmie falls
into a well and Lassie finds herself captured by the Dog Catcher because
Timmie’s Dad forgot to mail in the dog license application on time resulting in
an outdated tag on Lassie’s collar. Will Timmie be rescued? Will Lassie be
euthanized? Will the Dog Catcher have lasagna for dinner? The next issue of
FARCE Magazine will not answer any of these questions, but it may actually make
a smile appear on your face anyway.
This edition brought to you by
the letters a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,I,j,k,l,m,n,o,p,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x, and y. Z was not
included because, well, let’s face the hard truth here, nobody likes z. Because
really, eliminate the z from our language and the only thing really effected
would be the Ebra (formerly the Zebra). No biggie.
