FARCE Magazine Edition 33 July, 2013

 Comics
               The Odds  by Bill Harvey                           www.BeholdComics.com       

 

                      

                         Moxie    by Shawn Raymond

 

HUMOR

FARCE News

((AP)) Asocial Press

Hot Trend

(California)  The latest hot trend in travel is to visit the hottest place in the U.S. Visitors from all over the world are flocking to Death Valley, California to experience the extreme heat in a personal way.

“I’m from Virginia Beach,” Says Henry Welker, a 48 year old real estate novelist, “and I thought I was used to heat, but this is ridiculous. My armpits are gushing.”

“I felt like a cupcake in an Easy-Bake oven,” said 8 year old Katie Wensbrookensdale of Minneapolis, Minnesota, while receiving intravenous fluids.

With temperatures skyrocketing June 30^th to 129.9 degrees visitors were ecstatic about their good fortune.

"This is the absolute best near-death experience I've ever had," said Michelle Farr of Pittsburgh, PA.

“I was afraid we’d spent all that money on air fare and get out here to find it was only, like 115 degrees,” said Kevin Gerhart of Bonn, Germany. “Yet I’m sweating so much it feels like I’ve wet my pants!”

Good times. Well worth that air fare from Germany.

Nick Barnett, of Baton Rouge, Louisiana: “Good Lord it’s hot! This must be what it’s like in h-e-double hockey sticks! I’m gonna ask Jesus to save me right now!”

“In Sweden,” added Sinno Flandwhakken of Askersund, Sweden, “we never experience temperatures over 27 degrees (that’s in Celcius with an actual meaningful value to anyone not in Europe of 80 degrees F) so when I felt the crushing weight of this oppressive heat overwhelm me I blacked out for a few minutes. I think.” Actual elapsed time was 76 hours including several hours where Mr. Flandwhakken had no discernible brain waves after which he kept crying and muttering something about Odin being an idiot.

So, follow the trend and pack your bags for the sunny, agonizingly painful, bone crushing and oppressive heat that can melt the shell off an armadillo (several actual naked armadillo’s have been rescued by wildlife loving organizations or armadillo soup loving residents) of Southern California’s Death Valley.

Terrorists and the NRA Find Common Ground

(Washington)  The Transportation Security Administration has announced, and then quickly abandoned, a plan to let passengers carry small knives on planes following a furious outcry from the NRA and several mocking videos released by al-Qaeda leaders suspected of being somewhere near you.

TSA Administrator John Pistole in March announced that ‘small knives could not be used by terrorists to cause a plane to crash.’ This comment created a brouhaha among terrorist cells throughout the world with terror groups equally split between amusement and anger.

“The infidel Americans think we are so stupid we cannot even hi-jack a plane with a pocket knife! Yes we can, I promise you. We have learned much from watching MacGyver on Netflix!”

Demonstrations included signs that pictured box cutters and one video released on Al-Jazeera Network by a minor al-Qaeda leader showed a home movie of a group of terrorists chatting when one said, “They must not remember that little incident in New York in 2001,”(with the speaker using the pointer and middle fingers of each hand to air quote around the words little incident) after which the room broke out in raucous laughter.

Meanwhile, the NRA issued a statement saying that ‘if you allow a bad guy on a plane to have a knife then you need to have a good guy on a plane with a gun. With a banana clip chock full of hollow point rounds.”

The TSA wisely cancelled the plan after getting feedback from the Obama administration which simply said, “Are you stupid?!”

Dying Wish

The charitable organization Last Wishes for the Near Dead has promised to fulfill the dream of a man who had been bullied by a kindergartener. Daryl Brown, suffering from a terminal condition, says the boy would taunt him by calling him ‘Buddy’.

“It really irked me,” said the 98 year old hospice patient, “when he’d come into my hospital room and say ‘Hey, how are you, Buddy?’ with that fat little half smile on his rosy cheeked face. The way he could convey empathy for me was just disgusting. I mean, I could see it in his eyes. The little jerk was actually here to try and lift my spirits and I hate his little guts. How dare he trot in here all full of life at 5 years old and remind me that I’ll be dead soon.

“Yeah, yeah, sure he brought me cookies that his mother helped him bake. But, for Pete’s sake, did they have to be so delicious? Did they have to be made with such tender loving care? If I never eat another moist, chocolate filled, perfect cookie again I’ll die knowing it was his fault that he didn’t bring me more. I’ll curse that little brat for his ability to lift my dark life into the light for a few minutes whenever he came in. He had no right to do that. No right at all.”

Last Wishes for the Near Dead are reportedly looking for the little do-gooder to rough him up a little’ to fulfill Mr. Brown’s wish. 

Grandmother Stunned by 95^th Birthday

Paulina Bennedt of Wacine Wisconsin was reportedly ‘stunned’ by turning 95 years old. And she stunned her family by telling her children and grandchildren attending her birthday party exactly why she was so surprised.

“I never expected to reach this age,” said the grey haired little old lady. “Oh it’s not all the wars that I lived through as a nurse in the advanced frontline hospitals, or the many dangers on the highway as I travelled from Maine to California as a long haul truck driver. It’s not the black lung that I got from working the coal mines of Pennsylvania when I was seven either.  It’s not even the years of cooking with lard and butter that have clogged my arteries and veins.”

The family had just finished summarizing her life’s accomplishments which included, along with the aforementioned careers, graduating as Valedictorian of high school and then again in Nursing school, being awarded 2 purple hearts in World War II and one each in Korea and Vietnam, writing the definitive guidelines for nursing in military hospitals, writing a best-selling novel of her life as missionary in Papua, New Guinea, teaching Sunday School at local churches for over 75 years, being lauded as inspiring young evangelists such as Reverend Douglas Everdeen to enter the ministry, and being a nominee for National Best Christian Example by the Union of Maligned American Churches a record 16 times.

Then Mrs.Bennedt said, “No. The reason I’m surprised to still be alive is all those drugs I abused from 1945 to, well, last week, I guess when you all just dropped me in this god forsaken hole.” She paused and added, “Well, the Satan worshipping didn’t help matters either. It’s tough to kidnap and murder 37 young women and not get caught. And I never did believe drinking blood was really good for me like that young Manson fellow taught me.”

That was the last time her family visited.

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Political Cartoons

 Moxie Politick   by Shawn Raymond

 The cartoon above resulted from a tiff between PA. Legislators Brian Sims and Daryl Metcalf. Apparently, there is a General Assembly rule that states all Reps. must be in agreement that a person may address the General Assembly before they actually do address the Assembly. So, Mr. Metcalf did not give his approval  ( at least one other Rep. declined also) for Mr. Sims to address the Assembly because he was aware that Mr. Sims would be making comments in support of the US Supreme Courts decision to overturn bans on gay marriage ( as indicated in the cartoon by Mr. Sims' badge that also carries a gay marriage logo ). Mr. Metcalf explained his position as is written in the cartoon's dialog box. For standing up for his belief system (which is shared by millions of other people, by the way ) Mr. Metcalf was then skewered in the press by Mr. Sims who accused his fellow Rep. of being a hater of women, immigrants and gays (as reported by many papers including penn-live.com).

The next cartoon reflects recent reports that PA's bridges are are some of the worst (as in receiving a deficient rating ) in the country.

 A True Story from FARCE-A Family Humor Magazine's editor:

Another Example of the Damaged Teenage Brain.

My wife and two daughters went into town one early June afternoon to get some groceries and passed the High School on the way. The school’s parking lot was unusually filled with cars and my wife speculated aloud, “I wonder what’s going on at the school?”

My oldest daughter answered immediately. “Graduation is tonight, Mom!”

Ten minutes later, on the return trip home from the grocery store, my oldest daughter saw the filling parking lot and said, “Hey, I wonder what’s going on at the school!”

My wife and youngest daughter had a good laugh. 

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