FARCE-A Family Humor Magazine Issue 38, December 2013

COMICS

The Odds  by Bill Harvey       www.BeholdComics.com

The Birdfeeder  by Ben Carlson  www.thebirdfeeder.com

Moxie  by Shawn Raymond

The Sheltered Life  by Joel Wilhelm   www.facebook.com/TheShelteredLife

 Moxie Politick  by Shawn Raymond

PA has lost over 13,000 jobs in education since Governor Tom Corbett gained office. Mostly teachers.

Humor

Question of the Month

Online analysts have projected that Cyber Monday sales will reach $2.27 billion this year, making it the highest online shopping day in the nation’s history. What do you think?

“Well, if this fast food workers strike gets me a raise I might be able to afford a computer this year, and maybe next year I’ll be able to afford internet service, and then in three years maybe I’ll be able to cyber shop. That is, if the Affordable Care Act doesn’t bankrupt me first!” – Sally Falk, McDonalds Fry Cook, Salkirk, NM.

“Wow! With the economy as bad as it’s been the last few years it’s really nice to see the corporations finally getting deep into our pocketbooks again.” – Bob Wullf, Cabbie, NY City.

“And I want it all!” Jeff Bezoz, founder and CEO of Amazon, Inc., Seattle, WA

Amizonimus Prime ((AP)) Asocial Press

(Seattle) - Amazon founder Jeff Bezos recently announced Amazon’s plans to both “Sell everything on earth to everyone on earth” and then to “deliver it by drone”.  

“It is our intent to sell, literally, absolutely everything on earth that is sellable to every living human being” Bezos said in an interview with CBS correspondent Charlie Rose. “And because we want to redefine how we deliver our products I thought really hard how we can get better. And then one night, I saw an NSA drone spying through my office window and it hit me. Drones!”

The intent to use drones is driven by speed. Packages within a 10 mile radius of one of its distribution centers would arrive within 30 minutes of the order being placed online. No more waiting days for trucks to deliver packages on your front porch that should have been delivered to the house across the street. Now those packages can be delivered far more rapidly to the wrong house.

Reportedly, orders for plastic explosives and nuclear waste have jumped dramatically as al-Queda and other terror organizations’ operatives are jumping at the opportunity to avoid those messy suicide bombings and simply have the explosive devices delivered to the crowded bus station or hospital of their choosing by Amazon.

Unaffordable Health Care

(Washington) - The Obama Administration reported that Affordable Care Act sign ups ‘exploded’ in the month of November. Unofficially, the total number of citizens seeking affordable health care and actually signing up on the government web site now stands at six.

“I have publicly stated that if this Affordable Healthcare Act helps even one person get health insurance, then it would be worth all the hard work,“ said the President . “Mission accomplished.”

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney believes that by years end there should be several dozen signee’s making the 600 million dollars spent on the government web site a ‘real bargain’.

Vatican Being Proactive on Sex Abuse after only about a Thousand Years

Pope Francis is assembling a panel of experts to advise him on sex abuse in the clergy — a task that will involve looking at how to protect children from pedophiles, how to better screen men for the priesthood and how to help victims who have already been harmed.

But it remains unclear just who these experts will be and if the experts will take up one of the core issues behind the Catholic Church's sex abuse scandal: how to make bishops who shelter abusive priests accountable.

The meeting place for this as-yet-unnamed-group is logistically challenging as it must be located away from schools, day care centers, parks, playgrounds, Chuck E. Cheese’s, and other areas where children are known to frequent giving what some are calling ‘insight’ into just who these experts really are.

A special thanks to whomever invented the indecipherable wingding font. Obviously they are direct descendants of the Mayans , Egyptians, or cousin Eddie in New Jersey.

A heart-felt Thank You to FARCE Magazine's reader.You know who you are and you'd better hope we don't find out.

Thanks to Jeff Bezos of Amazon for giving the guys on Duck Dynasty more targets to shoot when package delivery by drone begins.

My apologies to the Catholic Church and the victims of child abuse suffered at the church's hands for making fun of a serious problem.

Thank you President Obama for making even former President George W. Bush look good in his second term.

And finally, thank you again Carrie Underwood for being even sexier than Faith Hill.


FARCE Magazine is looking for comic and humor contributors. Please contact the editor at farcemagazine@gmail.com to see if you can have your creations displayed here.

FARCE-A Family Humor Magazine - Edition 37 November, 2013

COMICS

The Odds by Bill Harvey   www.BeholdComics.com

The Birdfeeder by Ben Carlson   www.thebirdfeeder.com

The Sheltered Life by Joel Wilhelm   www.theshelteredlife.com

Moxie by Shawn Raymond

 

 Thank you for checking out the newest edition of FARCE Magaizne.

My apologies for the short issue but I am working hard on illustrations for a book project about crowd funding for the film industry. You know how it is; work hard on what pays and have fun with what doesn't! The next issue of FARCE should be back to its old self. See you then.

-Editor

FARCE-A Family Humor Magazine is looking for new writing and cartooning talent. If you're up to the challenge of entertaining people through comics or the almighty written word, please contact the editor at farcemagazine@gmail.com. Thanks.

FARCE-A Family Humor Magazine Edition 36 October, 2013

COMICS

The Odds           by Bill Harvey            www.BeholdComics.com

The Birdfeeder    by Ben Carlson        www.thebirdfeeder.com

               _____________________________________________________________________                                                             

Moxie     by Shawn Raymond     contact through farcemagazine@gmail.com

The Sheltered Life      by  Joel Wilhelm          www.theshelteredlife.com

HUMOR

FARCE News

((AP)) Asocial Press

Free Ride

(MINNEAPOLIS)   A 9-year-old runaway went through security, boarded a plane at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport without a ticket and flew to Las Vegas.

Security officials screened the Minneapolis boy at the airport shortly after 10:30 a.m. Thursday after he arrived via rail, spokesman for the Metropolitan Airports Commission Patrick Hogan said. The boy then boarded a flight that left for Las Vegas at 11:15 a.m.

Dale Brunswick, an airport security TSA agent, when asked how a boy with no ticket could slip through security replied, “Well, he was quite small.”

Also found on the plane was a family of badgers nestled in a first class alcove who also had no tickets. Rumors that Waldo was also on board remain unsubstantiated.

3-D Printing Tech to Aid in Mars Exploration

(Philadelphia)  Mars exploration scientists are excited about the potential for 3-D printing on Mars.

Says Daryl Merrellininski of the private venture capital funded Mars-Or-Bust (MOB) exploration team: “Our first human visitors to Mars are in for a rough existence in a very harsh environment and it is critical that we provide them with the absolute best equipment to help ensure their survival. 3-D printing is an exciting advance in technology that provides us the ability to provide adequately for our astronaut’s needs. The first thing that they will want to print in 3-D is a Wal-Mart.”

Reportedly a Red Robin will be printed on the second mission.


Peace Talks Reach Accord in Record Time
(Jerusalem)  Israeli and Palestinian negotiators held a new round of talks on Monday, picking up the tempo of their meetings at the request of the United States.

"As the Americans requested, we are upping the tempo of the discussions," says Israeli delegation member Ibram Abba. “And we are delighted to inform the press that we have dispensed with the typical months long process of diplomat-speak and have already gotten right to the issues at hand.”

“Yes,” added Palestinian delegate Sherman Mamoud, “We have reached an accord in barely 8 minutes of discussion wherein we have established that we Palestinians hate the Israeli’s with every fiber of our being and will never live in peace with them.”

“And we, in turn,” Mr. Abba agreed, “hate their guts just as much and will never live in peace with them. These negotiations are officially over. See you next year.”

Both men were pleased as they shook hands and then went to get cappuccino’s.

Question of the Month

The Government shutdown has all the National Parks closed. What do you think?

“Thank goodness. With all the chaos in the world today the last thing we need is people walking leisurely through the forest!” – Peter Scollettini, Small Fork, Vermont
 
“It just makes it easier for NASA to keep track of us.” Jon Pahosk, Scranton, PA

“I’m really impressed with the measures that they’ve taken to keep people out. I mean, those orange pylons are very intimidating.” Mary Nivens, Seattle, Washington.

And in conclusion...

Welcome to Joel Wilhelm and thanks for bringing the Sheltered Life to FARCE Magazine. Let's hope it doesn't hurt your career.

Just a reminder to our reader (reports of this mystery person living in New Jersey may not be correct) that FARCE News is not entirely accurate. We're pretty sure that we cannot 3-d print a Wal-Mart. At least not until the licensing agreements are done.

Thanks to the motorcycle enthusiast 'group' in New York that drove erratically around an SUV (at one point in the video you can see at least 7 bikers clustered across three lanes all around the SUV creating an extremely unsafe driving situation) and caused an accident which resulted in scaring the man driving the SUV (who happened to also have his wife and young child with him) enough that he ran over one of your biker friends; because it just may be the most tragic and idiotic events I have ever seen and reaffirms my belief that driving is the single most dangerous activity most of us will ever do and we will do it just about every day and there are some out there that just don't get it. Maybe now you do.    Now, excuse me while I step down from this soap box.

Y'all come back now, ya hear?

Are you interested in submitting cartoons and/or humor articles? Contact the editor at farcemagazine@gmail.com.

BR549

FARCE-A Family Humor Magazine Edition 35 September, 2013

Edition 35                        September ,2013

Interested in seeing your comic or humor article in FARCE? Contact the editor at farcemagazine@gmail.com
 COMICS:

 Birdfeeder   by Ben Carlson         www.thebirdfeeder.com

 

 Birdfeeder   by Ben Carlson         www.thebirdfeeder.com

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 The Odds      by  Bill Harvey           www.BeholdComics.com

  The Odds      by  Bill Harvey           www.BeholdComics.com

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              Moxie                                           By Shawn Raymond               

Question of the Month

Do you think the US should support Syrian President Assad or support the rebels?

“Hey, spell Assad backwards and you get Saddam. Go rebels!” : Tim Finkelstein, Dyslexic and poor speller from Troop, PA.

“Go Runnin’ Rebels! Yeah!” : Billy Bisclar, University of Nevada, Las Vegas, Music Major.

“I say we go in and Shock and Awe ‘em, you know? Bet ya we’d find those Iraqi weapons of mass destruction that wiley ole’ Saddam moved out before we found ‘em.” : Former President George W. Bush.

HUMOR

FARCE News

((AP)) Asocial Press

 

Myths about Sweden

1. Not all Swede’s are Swedish.

In a shocking revelation that has rocked the core of the entertainment industry reporters have discovered that the iconic Swedish Chef of the Muppet Show fame is actually an Austrian immigrant whose parents fled to Sweden in 1938 as the Nazi Regime began persecuting peoples of ‘puppet-like’ qualities. Just a toddler at the time, the future Swedish Chef became a naturalized citizen of Sweden in 1961 where he began growing comically bushy eye brows and that chimney sweep mustache.

Also not Swedish: Arnold Schwarzzenegger, President Barack Obama, and about 7 billion others.

2. All Swedish people are blond.

There are still plenty of fair-haired people on the streets of Stockholm, but immigration from the Middle East, Africa, Latin America and Asia is rapidly changing the makeup of the nation. Nearly 18 people in Sweden's nearly 10 million inhabitants were born with brown hair as a result.

3. Sweden is Socialist.

Since taking office in 2006, Fredrick Reinfeldt's center-right Swedish government has accelerated the move away from socialism, selling off state-owned businesses including the maker of Absolut vodka. Sweden still has a hugely generous welfare system and taxes still account for about half of the economy clearly marking them as Democrats, not socialists.

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Carrie Underwood to sing the ‘Sunday Night Football theme for NBC.

(NASHVILLE, Tenn.) (AP) — Carrie Underwood has taken the handoff from Faith Hill to perform the musical introduction for NBC's "Sunday Night Football," but don't expect a single football loving man to even notice. It will take at least a month for football starved fans (since there has been no real football since February, a total of 211 days since the Super Bowl) to finally realize, “Hey, somethin’s goin’ on here. Wait a minute. Did Faith Hill get even sexier?”

  

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Fukushima Risk to Pacific Exaggerated

(Tokyo, Japan) --The chief of Japan's nuclear watchdog chided the operator of the Fukushima Nuclear Power plant that had been damaged by the 2011 Tsunami (tsunami *literally meaning ‘Great Ceasar’s Ghost that’s a really BIG wave’) Thursday for its inability to properly explain problems, which he said was inflating fears around the world.

Shunichi Tanaka, chairman of the Nuclear Regulation Authority, said information given by Tokyo Electric Power (TEPCO) on the level of radioactive contamination was "scientifically unacceptable".

He also lashed out at media coverage of a series of water leaks, saying reports were giving a misleading impression of the seriousness of the situation at the stricken plant.

"From what we can see from existing data... so far there is no meaningful effect" on the Pacific.

Witnesses say that it was an ironic twist of fate that Mr. Tanaka was immediately swallowed by a 75 foot squid with six blood-oozing eyes and giant, festering pustules peppering its  skin that appeared to be melting off of its skeletal structure.

Source: Qwickipedia.com, a subsidiary of FARCE Magazine

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Trouble Letting Go

(Tulsa, Oklahoma) --“It was a long time coming,” said Ronnie Sedonoldovitch, “but it’s probably for the best.”

Mr. Sedonoldovitch announced to his fiance that he was, finally, after 3 years of hedging, meeting her one condition to marriage and that they could begin building a life together.

“Clearly he has demonstrated anxiety about parting with that part of his old life,” says fiancé Marianne Van Fettermier, “and I just could not deal  with seeing them laying in his dresser drawer all the time knowing that they meant more to him than I do. They were from his ex-wife, after all and had become a real point of contention between us. He’s able to finally let go of them. Right now I’m pretty happy.”

Mr. Sedonoldovitch heaped some wood into a pile and, after fueling it appropriately with gasoline, threw a match into it that began the ceremony to break ties with his past.

“I’ve been holding onto these for 32 years and, man this is hard. They’ve just been such a comfort over the years. I mean, they held the best part of me for a long, long time. At least once a week I’d have to take them out, you know. They just made me feel so secure.”

Marianne gently rubbed her fiance’s back and nodded toward the drawer laying on the picnic table next to the fire pit. He lovingly held her gaze for a moment and reached into the drawer. Steeling himself, he quickly tossed a pair of ratty fruit-of-the-loom underwear into the fire where they were instantly consumed.

Nodding and drawing a deep breath he said, “It was a long time coming, but it’s probably for the best.”

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In Conclusion:

"What? That's it? It's a good thing I didn't pay for this crummy rag. What a jip!" - Grandma

And so ends another issue of the world renown (there's some guy in New Jersey that reads this after all)  satire magazine FARCE-a Family Humor Magazine. It had such a short life, but a life well lived. The world will always remember this issue for its endearing legacy of mind numbing idiocy. And so shall it be. So shall it be. 

In the shadow of this inauspicious ending we must remind ourselves that, yes, there shall come a day next month, when the floodgates of laughter will open and once again riotous humor will fill the pages of some other magazine while the next FARCE issue will be just as inane as this issue was. Nevertheless, return, we shall.

Special thanks to Bill Harvey and Ben Carlson for lending their talents to this blog.

Special thanks to my third grade art teacher for teaching me that soap, indeed, does not taste good.

Thanks to my editor, without whom I wouldn't be able to write thank you to my editor.

A heart-felt Thank You to FARCE Magazine's reader.You know who you are and you'd better hope we don't find out.

Again, Thanks to the President, the US Congress, and the US Supreme Court  for allowing our Rights to 

to continuously be infringed upon, thereby teaching us how good we used to have it.

Thanks to my neighbor for retrieving the dog poop from my lawn after I called the police last week and complained about it.

And finally, Thank You to Carrie Underwood for being even sexier than Faith Hill.

You may leave now.

Stop reading.

The End.

Don't you know what the end means?

It means there is no more.

See?

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